Are you in a sexless marriage?  I’m a sex therapist in Orange County, CA and I assure you, you are not alone!  About 25% of all marriages are “sexless,” meaning that the couple has sex fewer than one to two dozen times a year.

Sometimes marriages naturally go through dry spells.  A partner might be sick, be pulled by care-giving demands, or absent due to military or other job obligations.   But when couples go for a year or longer without connecting in the bedroom, there’s a problem.

What causes a sexless marriage?  Many couples stop having sex during the last part of pregnancy and during the first months they have a newborn.  They struggle with finding time, but also with feeling sexy when there’s an infant in the house with all the demands of parenting.  Other couples struggle with sex from the beginning.  One partner may have been raised in a very strict religious home and can’t let enjoy sex, even though they’re married.

There can be serious issues that get in the way of a couple having regular sex.  If one member of the couple has been sexually abused or assaulted, then they may avoid sex because it triggers bad memories.  Other problems, like depression or substance abuse, can get in the way of sexual pleasure.

What can you do about a sexless marriage?  First, it’s important that you and your partner acknowledge there is a problem.  Try to talk it out together to figure out what the root cause is.  When you do try to restart your sex life, be realistic.  Though it may not seem romantic, you may need to schedule times for making love.

Many people are unaware that there is a type of professional called a sex therapist that is available to help couples that have a sexless marriage.  A sex therapist is a psychotherapist that specializes in sexual problems.  It is talk therapy.  If you do decide to see a sex therapist, check with your state’s licensing board online to ensure that they are licensed to help you.

Forgiveness is an act that is sometimes misunderstood.  In a marriage or long-term relationship, though, forgiveness is often required if it is to function.  The first act of forgiveness comes when you realize that your partner isn’t perfect.  It is inevitable that your partner is going to anger, disappoint, or test you.  At that moment, you have a few choices:  Keep punishing your partner with resentment, verbal or nonverbal; let go of a grudge, accept your partner as human and move on; or move on altogether, with or without forgiveness.

Sometimes couples disappoint each other in the bedroom and have trouble with forgiveness.  A man’s female partner can’t have an orgasm and he berates her for being unresponsive.  A woman’s male partner ejaculates too quickly and she becomes caustic and critical.  The couple may just have different expectations about their sex life, but be unable to discuss it; they may quietly suffer for years.  The angry partner may also become critical, sometimes, in other parts of the couple’s relationship; at other times, the couple may put a lot of energy into putting up a front to the world that their relationship is really much better than it is.

Can you forgive your partner for their sexual shortcomings, be a good friend, and support them toward change?  Can you let go of your resentment and become compassionate, realize that your partner may be hurting, too?  Sexual forgiveness takes maturity, too.  Your partner perhaps didn’t learn how to be a long-term sexual mate.  You can learn together.  If mistakes or missteps have been made, be patient and above all be forgiving.

I had an interesting discussion recently with a couple about the value of foreplay for men, since the husband didn’t seem to think it was necessary for him.  Most people think that foreplay is for women, to help them relax and get prepared for intercourse or orgasm.  But foreplay is for men, too.  Foreplay can also help a man relax, which can make orgasm more pleasurable.

But foreplay isn’t just about orgasms.  It is also a way to connect with your partner.  You can take turns giving one another pleasure.  You can choose to be passive and let your partner give to you, or to be active and please your partner.  Or, you can have mutual foreplay, both giving and receiving pleasure at the same time.  It’s more about sharing an intimate, fun experience than about preparation for intercourse.

If foreplay is imaginative, there may be no need for intercourse; orgasms may be experienced in other ways.  Foreplay can also allow you to explore one another’s bodies, to understand what is erotic for each of you.  It is a time to free yourself and be creative, to try out scenarios that turn you on.  You may find out that you enjoy some of the same things, or that you need to make adjustments so that your fantasy is fun for both of you.

Foreplay builds a sense of connection and intimacy.  When someone doesn’t want foreplay, for me as a therapist, I am always curious about whether they are able to be truly intimate with a partner, to let a partner get into what they are really about in the bedroom and to get into their partner’s thoughts and feelings.  Foreplay is one of life’s great free experiences, right there in the privacy of your own home.

A devoted husband can be truly puzzled when his wife either seems uninterested or tells him flat out that she has no sex drive.  He remembers a time when his wife made love freely, when her drive seemed to match his own.  Now he still feels attracted to her, but she turns him down more frequently than she agrees.

Women’s sexual desire is more complex than a man’s.  Especially for women in long term relationships, sexual desire is less driven by hormones, though they do play a role.  What seems to be more important is the quality of the relationship between a woman and her partner; her mood, energy, and stress level; her feelings about herself and her body; and her overall enjoyment of sexual activity.

Also, while men feel horny and then want sex, women in long terms relationships often need some loving before they feel horny.  If a man approaches his wife or partner with his motor on “idle” and gives her some time to warm up without pressure, letting her tune in to her own needs to see if a “no” might become a “yes.”

Another way to help a woman enjoy sex more is to take the time to find out what she enjoys.  If she can’t communicate it verbally, ask if she can show you by guiding your hand with her own.  Encourage her to explore her own body Read the rest of this entry …

When most people think of sex, they naturally think of intercourse.  Remember Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sex with that woman!”  Ahem, he most certainly did.   But even a “zipless” encounter can be quite passionate and can quite definitely be counted as a sexual act.  Just watch “The Young Victoria” to see that people have sex all the time without having intercourse.

It isn’t just men that feel sex is only about intercourse and resulting orgasm.  Women often say that it’s the only part of sex they enjoy.  Perhaps it’s because it’s the only part of sex that has an official stamp of approval as being sex.  After all, most people are taught that “Sex is for after you get married
because it can result in pregnancy.  Since pregnancy nearly always occurs as the result of intercourse, it only makes sense that sex means such an act has occurred.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with intercourse.  It’s just that it’s very limited.  It requires that both partners be aroused, that the genitals are in good working condition, that the participants have the strength and stamina to follow through with the act.  That is, I think, part of the reason that people think of “sex” as being for young people.

If sex included every act of pleasure, people–both individuals and couples–would be much better off.  Including self-, oral, and manual stimulation would take the pressure off of having intercourse.  It would decrease unwanted pregnancy and disease.  It would make it easier to imagine having sex as one ages, or sex if one is alone.  And if a woman had discomfort with intercourse or a man struggled with erectile dysfunction as the result of temporary illness or stress, then they could still be affectionate and comforting with one another.

If you are someone that balks at the idea of venturing beyond sex = intercourse, it might be interesting to think about why that is.  Is it due to stereotype?  Inhibitions about other types of sexual activities?  A belief that sex is only for procreation, so if one is going to have sex for recreation, it had better be a reasonable facsimile?  If going outside your sex = intercourse comfort zone is truly distasteful, well, so be it.  But it could be that you realize you are holding back from exploring all types of sex, starting with cuddling and kissing.  And then what would be the harm of exploring your sexual potential?

The Los Angeles Times ran a couple of articles on January 11, 2010 on the issue of whether or not a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) was worth any more than the paper it was written on.  Apparently, there is a group of psychologists that feel (since research does not back them up) the Psy.D. is a lowly substitute for lazy folks that don’t quite have what it takes to handle the rigor of the more highly prized Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) in psychology.  Their reasoning is that because more schools that turn out Psy.D.’s are independent schools, which have a higher acceptance rate than Ph.D. programs that are attached to a university.  Psy.D.’s, they argue, don’t do research and therefore aren’t equipped to provide science-based psychotherapy.

Horse rubbish.  I am a proud possessor of a Psy.D., the only drawback of which is that Ph.D.’s like to take pot shots at my degree.  In fact, when I was in grad school I remember dreaming that a fellow Ph.D. student parked her Cadillac on my then rather sad-looking front lawn; talk about an inferiority complex.  I’ve gotten over that, though–and my lawn has been replaced with water thrifty plants, to boot.

What the heck is a Psy.D., you might be asking yourself.  Well, it is based on the so-called “Boulder model” of training, which came out of the University of Colorado at Boulder.  The idea was that those psychologists that wanted to practice psychotherapy needed to have more clinical training and supervision.  In order to provide top notch services, the Psy.D. needs to be able to evaluate research and implement it in the clinical setting.  To that end, the Psy.D. writes an extensive review of an area of research literature for a dissertation, as opposed to doing a piece of original research.

For my doctorate, Read the rest of this entry …

As a sex therapist, one of the most heartbreaking scenarios in my office must be when one person announces with their partner in the treatment room that they don’t love their partner any more.  But perhaps worse than saying the words “any more,” are saying the words, “I never loved you.”  I can’t imagine what kind of turmoil it puts both partners into at the moment the words are spoken, but I can tell you that for me all the air gets sucked out of the room.  Is this couple’s relationship going to make it?

Recently, an article in USA Today discussed people that walk down the aisle, even though they know with some certainty that the marriage could fail.  Why do they do it?

• They thought they could make their partner change.
• They just didn’t want to be single.
• There was an unplanned pregnancy.
• They felt pressured by family.
• They wanted financial security.
• They figured they could make it work.

Obviously, for the most part these aren’t great reasons to get married.  Even in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, if there is no love, then there probably shouldn’t be a marriage.

Sometimes a person struggling with the issue of whether or not to divorce a partner because they never felt chemistry nor a connection will decide that they will stay for the sake of the children.  If the person’s partner isn’t drinking, cheating, or being abusive, then that is probably the best decision.  Once the children have grown, they can choose to stay or go, but giving offspring the best possible chance for success can be a sacrifice worth making.

If there are no children involved, then statistically the marriage probably will not last.  While children put a great deal of strain on a marriage–so much responsibility, so little time–they are also paradoxically the “glue” that can hold a marriage together.  Unless someone is very religious, there is little incentive to stay in a loveless marriage.

A loveless marriage is different, though, from a sexless marriage, or a marriage in which sex has never really worked very well.  Love may never be there the way it is portrayed in the movies or novels, but if someone has a decent sex life with their partner (regular, satisfying sex), they may choose to stay in the marriage.  If there is caring and respect, as well as sex, the marriage may survive despite the lack of passion, however that might be described or imagined.

If, however, there are long term sexual issues, even if the relationship is good in other respects, it may not survive Read the rest of this entry …

Most couples have great difficulty talking about sex, and when they do manage it, they often bungle the conversation.   From a sex therapist, here are seven ways to make communicating about sex easier.

1. Identify what you want to talk about.  Do you want to talk about orgasms that fizzle, sexual boredom, or your partner’s lack of attention to after play?  Saying vague things, like “Sex with you is boring,” isn’t going to solve the problem.
2. Keep your communication style assertive.  Don’t put your partner on the defensive.  Focus on what you want, not on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
3. Help your partner help you.  Be specific about what you want your partner to do.  “Change things up” isn’t as clear as, “I would like to have a little more manual attention before we have intercourse.”
4. Speak in language your partner appreciates.  If your partner doesn’t like you to use coarse language, then don’t use it when you are giving feedback or asking for what you want.
5. Be sensitive to your partner.  If your partner is awkward or hesitant in bed, telling him or her that they are as exciting as a flounder won’t help.  Tell your partner something you like, then what you’d like them to do differently, then thank them again for doing what you enjoy.
6. Don’t bring up the past unless absolutely necessary.  That means both things that happened between the two of you, and things that happened between you and another partner.  Move on and focus on the present moment and what you’d like to see change in the immediate future.
7. Give feedback at an appropriate time.  Right after having sex isn’t it.  Choose a time when you are both likely to be relaxed and your partner will be receptive.  Let your partner know what you’d like to talk about ahead of time.

Have any tips you’d like to add?  Leave a comment and I’ll post those that I think are helpful.

As important as our sexuality is, I doubt very much whether many people review their sex life over the past year and ponder a vision of what could be possible in the New Year.

The “oh” decade (years 2000 through 2009) brought us a war over abstinence-only sex education, an injection was introduced to help women avoid HPV, and more pills and potions were created to ensure an erection, create desire, or make sex feel better.  We were also witness to multiple sex scandals, from Larry Craig sending Morse code in a public bathroom to Mark Sanford lying about hitting the Appalachian Trail when in actuality he was winging his way to see his soul mate in Argentina.

Also in this decade were a slew of books about low desire, no erection, no orgasm, ejaculating too quickly or not at all, tantric sex, no sex, and the difficult-to-define too much sex aka “sex addiction.”   (More on this latter topic next week.)  It’s difficult to tell if the world is really a better place despite the efforts of so many well-meaning authors.

If I could make some wishes for the year ahead, they might include:

• Couples would talk to one another about their sex life in the same way they talk about what breed of dog to get or what refrigerator to purchase
• Men would stop measuring their self-worth by their erections, and women would do the same.
• Women that don’t enjoy sex would admit it’s because they have never told their partner what to do to make sex enjoyable.
• People would understand that sexual problems that take years to develop can’t be resolved in a single 50 minute session.  Couples wouldn’t wait years to see a therapist, making their problem all the more complex.
• Pharmaceutical companies would state in their ads for antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, sleep medicines, and sexual aids, “Try psychotherapy first.  You may not need medication at all.  And if you do, your therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist for treatment.”  Ideally, however, such advertising would be banned.
• Sex education would include information about the serious decision-making and responsibility involved in choosing to be sexually active.
• Every pregnancy would be a wanted pregnancy.
• People that are frustrated by monogamy Read the rest of this entry …

Every once in awhile I like to write a bit about my experience of being a sex therapist in Orange County.  The end of the year seems like a good time to reflect on my experience.

My practice is definitely a microcosm of the macrocosm.  As the economy slowed down, so did my practice.  Whereas I used to have lots of people in the real estate industry, they now rarely cross my threshold.  And where I used to see some people that were fishing around for answers, I now see mostly clients that are in more dire straits–and that’s the way, frankly, I like it, because then I’m not so much just an actor in someone else’s drama, but working with people paying for a real service.  (I apologize if that sounds a bit callous, but I’m just writing it as I experience it.)

Having my practice slow down has been a good thing.  I have had time to work on a book that’s already been purchased by a publisher.  The book has required a great deal of reading and reflecting, which has in turn informed my practice, making me a stronger therapist in various areas of my work.

Orange County is such a diverse place, and is becoming more so all the time.  This past year I have, once again, seen people who have moved here from all over the globe or who are visiting here from another country or state.  It isn’t easy to find a sex therapist in many places, and Orange County is a cultural and business center, and people do seek help here.  Since I worked as a teacher in Los Angeles for a decade, I thrive when I get an opportunity to learn about different cultures and religions.  The LGBT population also seems to be growing, and I have worked with more gay people that are sorting out various issues.

What will happen in 2010?  First, I am already seeing signs that my practice is picking up, so I think the economy as a whole must be improving, albeit slowly.  Second, I think I will see more people that are looking for non-medical interventions for their sexual problems.  No one really likes to think they are so bad off that their only recourse is a pill!  (Of course, sometimes medication is an important part of treatment, but at least the person will know that they have made an informed choice.)

Third, I will be attending at least two conferences, one on how to better help men that have been sexually abused, and one for AASECT, an organization for which I serve as the Western Regional Representative.  That, too, has been a positive part of 2009, because I have met and networked with plenty of other AASECT member, people that I think of as not just colleagues but friends.

Fourth, I am some plans for providing continuing education, but I’m keeping that under wraps until they’re ready for debut.

As for the blog:  It will still be here.  And, if you are reading this and haven’t yet done so, you can also sign up to receive my newsletter.  You’ll get a free ebook, “Sexual Discoveries: 25 Secrets for Incredible Sex,” plus a monthly article from me.  I also include “Really Weird Sex Stories,” for which I scan the Internet.