- 30
- Jun
Ross Douthat wrote an essay in the NY Times yesterday that suggests that the reason people in high places step out on their marriages is that putting enormous focus on one’s career makes one into a sexless roommate. He sites Sandra Tsing Loh’s recent divorce and her essay on how marriage obligations make one into a dull sex partner.
He then further suggests that it is the middle class that is out there having all the fun–ignoring career and other obligations and putting their energy into flings and divorces.
Is that so? I can’t imagine where he got his data from. If it’s from reading recent press, he should know better: the media distorts everything and everyone. If, as he says, the reason middle America enjoys reading about romps such as Gov. Sandford’s recent sizzler is because it reflects who they are, then who, exactly, populates the highly educated echelons?
His argument made little sense to me. Living in Orange County, CA, I have seen my share of highly educated couples: chemists, engineers, attorneys, doctors, and so forth. But I have also seen other, less educated folks: college students on their way to something more, plumbers, waiters, janitors, and a stripper or two. I also trained at the Marine base and saw couples of all kinds there.
No one has an exclusive on sexless marriage. It affects all classes, all ages, all cultures, all religions. It seems to be an epidemic: estimates are that in 25% of marriages, couples have intercourse fewer than a dozen times in a year.
The reasons are as diverse as the couples themselves. Here are some ideas:
- It takes a lot of mental energy these days just to stay on top of everything. My father was a civil engineer and his tools were a drafting table, a pencil, and a slide rule. Now I have more computer power in one laptap than my father ever had at his disposal–but I also have a lot more people and things vying for my attention. That’s exhausting.
- Relationships are more complex. We expect a lot more from our partners. My parents only expected what was prescribed by society. We are expected to be confidantes, room mates, friends, financial partners, co-parents, and lovers. Making big demands of our partners can lead to disappointment that goes both ways.
- We live in an age of narcissism. Many people are very self-focused and want things to go their way. That means that when we look at our partner and see him or her wanting, we think that is a reflection on ourselves. We become disgusted and turn off to sex. After all, if you’re perfect, why would you want to make love with someone who is less than?
- We live by myth. One myth is that marriages become sexless over time. Another is that sex is always supposed to be red hot. A third is that bodies need to be perfect–tan, muscled, and hairless–to be sexy. These myths interfere with peoples’ enjoyment of sex.
- We are overstimulated and oversexualized. The fact that we can have porn in our living room with a click of a button takes away from its sacred meaning and at the same time makes sex seem overly important and larger than life. When a partner becomes ensnared in the porn trap, it can be difficult to untangle ideas about sex and meaning.
- We have become secular. Ideas about marriage and fidelity are considered quaint and out of date. Never mind that there is richness to be had in a monogamous relationship. These days the grass looks so green on the other side it’s positively neon green, so green that even people in the very public eye are willing to risk their careers for clandestine sex.
Well, those are my ideas about why marriage becomes sexless. There are more. What are yours? I’d love to read your comments and post them if you allow.
