Over the last 24 hours I have been involved in a lively discussion on the AASECT listserv about when, why, and how to be truthful in a relationship. The discussion was prompted by a description of a college couple. The guy wanted out of the relationship, the gal wanted to know why. Did he “owe” her an explanation?

I ventured to say that he did not owe her an explanation beyond, “I just know this isn’t a relationship I want to be in right now,” if that was what he felt. Lots of other educators and therapists disagreed. They saw this as an opportunity for growth for both members of the couple.

But the truth of why a relationship is ending is sometimes very painful. It reminded me that it is best to give feedback to someone about things they can change. Telling a person that you don’t find their breasts sexy enough or that you don’t enjoy the taste of their saliva isn’t a very good piece of feedback when you are ending a relationship. (I have had people tell me these things in my office.)

Telling a person that you don’t like the way they handle credit cards is good feedback. It is concrete and usable. Telling a person that you want to end the relationship because you find you do not want to change your religion, and that seems to be a requirement of staying, is also fair feedback. The person can decide that requiring a change in religion isn’t necessary in order to keep the relationship. Or they can understand that it is in their own best interest to end the relationship because of their partner’s feelings.

I would love to learn what you think about ending a relationship. Is all truth good truth? Is it sometimes better to hold back? Is it okay to just be done with a relationship that doesn’t appeal to you? Or is it a requirement to come up with reasons? I’d love to read your comments.

» You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.