- 03
- Jun
This is a tough topic, but it’s been on my mind for weeks so I’ve decided to go ahead and tackle it.
It’s the subject of weight. Specifically, overweight. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am, well, plump. There. Now you know. That being said, I have some endocrine problems chasing my number up the scale.
Last month I started using a medication that is supposed to bring that number down. Twice a day I have been injecting myself with Byetta so that I can be at a healthier weight. It’s pretty radical and I wouldn’t do it unless my metabolism wasn’t so slow. So believe me, I understand weight and have empathy for those who have that struggle.
It is heartbreaking to me when a married or partnered client comes, usually alone, to tell me that the real, secret reason they are no longer sexually attracted to their partner is because of weight gain. Usually, it isn’t just a matter of 10 or 20 lbs; most people seem to understand that as we age, weight may go up a bit.
No, what they complain about is a gain of 50 lbs. or more. They will show me the “pot” that their partner now has, modeling with their hands. And they all say the same thing: I love my partner, but they just got too darn fat.
Believe it or not, many people really don’t care what their partner ends up looking like as they age. My husband once had a head full of dark hair; now it’s mostly gray and thinning. But I don’t care, he’s still my gorgeous lover and it matters not a whit to me.
Likewise, I was very slim when we met, and he has always been forgiving about the weight I gained and have struggled to take off. I guess we are able to just love the people we are inside, and don’t care about the package all that much any more.
But for other people, the package is part of the deal. Really, what can I tell them? Look the other way? Ignore it? Don’t be so superficial? I can’t force someone find extra weight attractive.
Sometimes people see extra weight as a sign that their partner becoming complacent, taking it for granted that their partner will find them attractive no matter how they present themselves.
Sometimes they see it as a definite barrier to intimacy. They complain that they can’t get close to their partner emotionally when they have a physical barrier.
When I have worked with an individual in my practice with this complaint, I talk to them first about accepting their partner in their current package. I suggest that they stay focused on the positive aspects of the physical person, such as a great smile or sexy calves. And occasionally, they do. I also recommend that their partner get a complete physical, because perhaps no one knows better than me that there can be physical reasons the weight has piled on.
If they can’t accept the weight, then we work on ways they can assertively tell their partner that the weight is bothering them, and that they will do what they can to help their partner become a healthy weight again. That may mean cooking meals, curtailing dinners out, and taking walks in the evening.
Use kindness, use concern, use tact. But don’t use weight as an excuse to grow apart in your relationship. Talk about the effect it is having on your partnership in the bedroom. Don’t ignore the emotional aspect of weight gain, either. Think: Is the weight a symptom of things gone awry? Explore. Discuss. Tackle. Resolve.
