Researchers conducted a literature review that covered the love lives of over 6000 people, looking for answers about the type of love that is most satisfying in the long run.  Despite the fact that everyone is looking for passion, the researchers report it is romantic love that is most likely to keep couples bonded.

What, exactly, is the difference between passionate love and romantic love? The authors made the distinction that passionate love has “obsessive” quality to it, and that passionate couples often have conflict.  “Romantic love” is “just being there” for your partner.  The least satisfying type of love in the long run is “companionate love,” which is loving a partner as a friend, rather than a lover.

I must admit, when I first read the article, I found myself thinking that it was true that passionate love has an obsessive quality to it.  But I don’t think that’s what most people think of when they talk about reclaiming passion.  It isn’t that they want to go back to thinking about each other all the time.  And it isn’t that they want sparks flying from conflict.

What they want is a feeling of abandon, of freedom to express themselves that, unfortunately, gets worn away by the mundane tasks of daily life (laundry, cooking, childcare) and the blunt fact that once the romance has worn away, you are left with a real, live human being.  And face it, in our altogether, we just aren’t that sexy.  We have to work at it.

Passion, romance, passion, romance.  Not sure about the distinction.  Passionate lovers want to be there for each other.  Romantic lovers, I would assume, experience passion in their relationship at times.

I don’t know if the researchers are also clinicians–people who see clients in a private or other practice setting–but I also find it interesting that they don’t mention sex.  What role does sex play in making a relationship feel more romantically loving, or more passionate?  That is left to our imagination.

I would love to know your thoughts about the article, the difference in types of love, and what makes a relationship satisfying in the long-run.

Dr. Stephanie Buehler

Director, The Buehler Institute

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