About one-third of the couples who come into our offices at The Buehler Institute have a complaint of low sex drive in the male partner, not the female.  Social myths make it hard to believe that there are so many men who have low libido.  Men are expected to “always think about sex,” ever ready to perform.

When men have a low sex drive, female partners often complain of being extremely confused and hurt.  They feel isolated and unloved.  They talk about a lack of intimacy in the relationship.  Sometimes they are even angry that the person with whom they most want to have sex is physically unavailable.

Why do some men lose their zest for sex?  One reason has to do with physical health, especially testosterone levels.  Most every man who has low drive should have their hormone levels tested, because one of the hallmarks of a low drive in men is low testosterone.

However, you can’t get too caught up on hormones.  There are men whose testosterone tests at low levels who still have a drive, and men with normal levels who don’t care to have sex.  So you need to look at other physical, psychological, and relationship issues as well.

For example, sometimes when a man is out of shape or overweight, he may not only feel more fatigued, but have poor body image.  It’s not just women who get hung up about lumps and bumps on their body.  Second, he may have a poor diet, leading to a lack of energy.  Or, he might not be getting adequate sleep.  Stress, too, can take its toll on a man’s physical and sexual well-being.

Another important physical aspect to be aware of is the effect of some medications on drive.  For example, antidepressants, while helpful, can cause sexual side effects.  This is another reason to check with one’s doctor when drive is low.

Psychologically, a man may have performance anxiety, pressuring himself to please his partner.  After awhile, sex becomes a drag to be avoided at all costs.  He may also have a mood disorder such as depression, which is causing him to shut down, isolate, or feel unable to enjoy things he once liked–including sex.

Relationally, a man may withhold sex when his feelings are hurt.  Men don’t much like to be criticized by day, then expected to perform sexually at night.  A man may also stop having sex when he is the one who is angry.

An additional reason in the “sad but true” department:  A man may stop having sex because he is gratifying himself with pornography, call girls, or having an affair.

Sometimes, there really is nothing wrong with a man’s drive.  The problem is just that the woman’s drive is naturally higher.  But again, because of the myths surrounding male sexuality, the woman with the higher drive may have difficulty believing that the cause of low drive is natural, not personal.

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