- 05
- Jun
A NY Times article, “When Sex Leave the Marriage,” presents a pretty gloomy picture for partners who are in a marriage that has lost its sexual zip. The way the researcher is quoted, you’d think the only thing left for couples in this type of situation is to throw in the towel. He doesn’t mention the fact that there are marital therapists who do specialize in this (they are called sex therapists!) and that you can find one at www.aasect.org.
Three things a couple can do immediately:
- Call it. One of you needs to break the ice and call a meeting to talk about the state of the (non) union. Let your partner know that you have noticed that the two of you have not been having sex, and that you’d like to talk about changing that. Do not threaten, pout, or point blame.
- Assess. One of the biggest obstacles to a good sex life is lifestyle. Take a look at yours. Are you overbooked? Stressed? Eating crummy food? Forgoing exercise for vegetating on the sofa? Do you smoke or drink too much? Let interpersonal problems with family members wreak havoc in your life?
- Brainstorm. What can you do to overcome the obstacles? Do you need to cut back on social activities so you have more time to relax at home? Start exercising so that you feel better about your body and have more energy for sex? Accept that your mother is never going to be happy with you and move on so that you can devote energy to your marriage? Whatever you identify, create an action plan and start to make changes today.
Of course, there can be many other issues such as fears about sex, past sexual trauma, disliking a partner’s technique, chronic illness or cancer, or sexual or other types of pain. All of these issues have a solution. No, your sex life may not look like it did when you were 22, but you can still have a satisfying, intimate life together if you want one.
Are you ready for real change?
June 13th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Hi,
I believe that there is so much people can do to improve their sexless marriage. It starts with love, first and foremost. Don’t let too much time go by.
Renew the passion you had when you were dating it’s possible even with kids.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
You write above….
“Of course, there can be many other issues such as fears about sex, past sexual trauma, disliking a partner’s technique, chronic illness or cancer, or sexual or other types of pain. All of these issues have a solution.”
Actually, as the comments to the NYT blog show so painfully, all these issues do not have a solution. Fears? Yes. Past trauma? Yes. Technique? surely. Pain? I can see it. But chronic and progressive illness, the kind that will endure for decades while robbing one’s partner of health, vitality, the ability to move, the energy to pleasure, the mucus necessary (and no, KY jelly, Astroglide, and their brethren don’t do the trick, believe me, we’ve tried) for sexual penetration….
You get the idea. I’ve read the articles. We’ve met with two AASECT-certified sex therapists at various times. Did the homework. Result? The illness and the so-called sex keep getting worse. I hate to say it, but it’s hopeless.
What illnesses are we talking about here? Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, many of the other auto-immune disorders, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s et. al. I’d love to know your solution that would lead to a satisfying, intimate life together for the next thirty or forty years that my partner will suffer with one of these illnesses and in fact get worse.
I’d love your thoughts.
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
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