- 22
- Jun
Another comment by TK suggesting that being married to someone with a chronic illness can be such a desperate situation that the well partner is tempted to flee. TK has a point–that chronic illness, including cancer, can and often do put a tremendous strain on a relationship. And yes, marriages do break up (though I think that 75% number is too high).
Making a choice about staying in such a relationship can challenge one’s moral center. A few years ago, I was interviewed by a reporter for a newspaper of a very large retirement community in another state. At the end of the interview (and, I suspect, the real reason for the interview) the reporter asked, “Do you think it’s okay to have an affair if one partner is ill?”
How could I possibly decide that for anyone? How can anyone possibly decide that for him- or herself? I could no more answer the question for the reader than I could for anyone in my practice. But, for me, it does speak to the pain of the experience, to wonder if having an affair has legitimacy under the clause of “special circumstances.”
I can tell you from some personal familiarity with such a situation that if the affair is discovered, it can cause tremendously confused emotions, not only for the ill spouse, but for all family members. Some will respond with compassion, others with repulsion and anger.
These are the kinds of existential questions that can be explored with either a leader of one’s religious congregation or a psychotherapist that is comfortable tackling complex issues–issues, I’m afraid, are far too complex to tackle in a blog.
But I am happy to discuss other issues of equal complexity; others are invited to comment on this or any other entry on my blog.
Kind regards,
Dr. Stephanie Buehler
Are you ready for real change?
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I got the impression that TK’s comments tried to serve as a reminder that for the actual couple, all the sexual advice in the world, no mater how good it is, is easier said than done. When you do not live with that day to day, it can be easy to forget.
I’m familiar with the advice and I’m familiar with the experience. I know I need to consider some of the relationship/sex advice (and tune much more of it out.) But I also know that it’s really not that easy to tune out all the chatter. And I know how hard it can be to tune in when you’re in pain or exhausted.
I’ve got quite a ways to go on my journey so I can’t say I know it inside out yet… but I have had enough of a taste so that I worry about the future.
If/when that time comes, some of the advice I’ve come across suggested,
With regard to whether or not to have an affair, other options to consider might include polyamory or an open relationship. That’s not right for everyone and it needs serious discussion first. I don’t know if it would be right for me even down the line.
June 29th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
What do you do not when you have a low sex drive in a marriage, but you have a low sex drive for your husband of fifteen years who both has a chronic illness that seriously limits his sexual function, is seriously overweight, and takes drugs (prednisone) for his chroric illness that make losing weight almost impossible? I think my sex drive is just fine, but the idea of sex with him is off putting to say the least. Even cuddling is hard to take. Do I have to settle for this for the next thirty-five years? I have sometimes floated the idea of an open relationship but he says no way, and reminds me of my marriage vows.
July 19th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Mariah, I think what you do is give it a try with a sex therapist and health psychologist like Dr. Buehler, and then make an assessment when the process is over, realizing that you may have a tragic problem without a good solution.
Yes, it is possible that a sex therapist might be able to help you and your husband. It is also possible that she or he cannot help you, that desire is desire and you don’t have it for him (may I add, for reasons that seem both apparent and perfectly justifiable!), and no amount of therapy can renew it.
At the end of the process, you will have invested a few thousand dollars, yes. But at least you will know exactly where you stand. If sex is rekindled, great. If not, you have a brutally difficult decision to make. I think then there are only four choices:
a. leave your marriage
b. find a to live in you marriage for 35 more years with no sex
c. sublimate in sports, prayer, cooking, QVC shopping, booze, jigsaw puzzles, or what have you.
d. have an affair and get your sexual needs met even if your husband is opposed to open marriage.
Fun and joyful choices, I know. But I can’t imagine there are any others.