Comments on: Sexuality & Chronic Illness: Sad but True Commentary http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/ Sexuality And Intimacy For Men, Women And Couples Thu, 22 Jul 2010 20:49:26 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: TK http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/comment-page-1/#comment-21048 TK Sun, 19 Jul 2009 14:58:27 +0000 http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/#comment-21048 Mariah, I think what you do is give it a try with a sex therapist and health psychologist like Dr. Buehler, and then make an assessment when the process is over, realizing that you may have a tragic problem without a good solution. Yes, it is possible that a sex therapist might be able to help you and your husband. It is also possible that she or he cannot help you, that desire is desire and you don't have it for him (may I add, for reasons that seem both apparent and perfectly justifiable!), and no amount of therapy can renew it. At the end of the process, you will have invested a few thousand dollars, yes. But at least you will know exactly where you stand. If sex is rekindled, great. If not, you have a brutally difficult decision to make. I think then there are only four choices: a. leave your marriage b. find a to live in you marriage for 35 more years with no sex c. sublimate in sports, prayer, cooking, QVC shopping, booze, jigsaw puzzles, or what have you. d. have an affair and get your sexual needs met even if your husband is opposed to open marriage. Fun and joyful choices, I know. But I can't imagine there are any others. Mariah, I think what you do is give it a try with a sex therapist and health psychologist like Dr. Buehler, and then make an assessment when the process is over, realizing that you may have a tragic problem without a good solution.

Yes, it is possible that a sex therapist might be able to help you and your husband. It is also possible that she or he cannot help you, that desire is desire and you don’t have it for him (may I add, for reasons that seem both apparent and perfectly justifiable!), and no amount of therapy can renew it.

At the end of the process, you will have invested a few thousand dollars, yes. But at least you will know exactly where you stand. If sex is rekindled, great. If not, you have a brutally difficult decision to make. I think then there are only four choices:

a. leave your marriage
b. find a to live in you marriage for 35 more years with no sex
c. sublimate in sports, prayer, cooking, QVC shopping, booze, jigsaw puzzles, or what have you.
d. have an affair and get your sexual needs met even if your husband is opposed to open marriage.

Fun and joyful choices, I know. But I can’t imagine there are any others.

]]> By: mariah http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/comment-page-1/#comment-21002 mariah Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:40:12 +0000 http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/#comment-21002 What do you do not when you have a low sex drive in a marriage, but you have a low sex drive for your husband of fifteen years who both has a chronic illness that seriously limits his sexual function, is seriously overweight, and takes drugs (prednisone) for his chroric illness that make losing weight almost impossible? I think my sex drive is just fine, but the idea of sex with him is off putting to say the least. Even cuddling is hard to take. Do I have to settle for this for the next thirty-five years? I have sometimes floated the idea of an open relationship but he says no way, and reminds me of my marriage vows. What do you do not when you have a low sex drive in a marriage, but you have a low sex drive for your husband of fifteen years who both has a chronic illness that seriously limits his sexual function, is seriously overweight, and takes drugs (prednisone) for his chroric illness that make losing weight almost impossible? I think my sex drive is just fine, but the idea of sex with him is off putting to say the least. Even cuddling is hard to take. Do I have to settle for this for the next thirty-five years? I have sometimes floated the idea of an open relationship but he says no way, and reminds me of my marriage vows.

]]> By: K http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/comment-page-1/#comment-20991 K Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:56:31 +0000 http://www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/2009/06/22/sexuality-chronic-illness-sad-but-true-commentary/#comment-20991 I got the impression that TK's comments tried to serve as a reminder that for the actual couple, all the sexual advice in the world, no mater how good it is, is easier said than done. When you do not live with that day to day, it can be easy to forget. I'm familiar with the advice and I'm familiar with the experience. I know I need to consider some of the relationship/sex advice (and tune much more of it out.) But I also know that it's really not that easy to tune out all the chatter. And I know how hard it can be to tune in when you're in pain or exhausted. I've got quite a ways to go on my journey so I can't say I know it inside out yet... but I have had enough of a taste so that I worry about the future. If/when that time comes, some of the advice I've come across suggested, With regard to whether or not to have an affair, other options to consider might include polyamory or an open relationship. That's not right for everyone and it needs serious discussion first. I don't know if it would be right for me even down the line. I got the impression that TK’s comments tried to serve as a reminder that for the actual couple, all the sexual advice in the world, no mater how good it is, is easier said than done. When you do not live with that day to day, it can be easy to forget.

I’m familiar with the advice and I’m familiar with the experience. I know I need to consider some of the relationship/sex advice (and tune much more of it out.) But I also know that it’s really not that easy to tune out all the chatter. And I know how hard it can be to tune in when you’re in pain or exhausted.

I’ve got quite a ways to go on my journey so I can’t say I know it inside out yet… but I have had enough of a taste so that I worry about the future.

If/when that time comes, some of the advice I’ve come across suggested,
With regard to whether or not to have an affair, other options to consider might include polyamory or an open relationship. That’s not right for everyone and it needs serious discussion first. I don’t know if it would be right for me even down the line.

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