There’s a couple of things that bother me about this list.

The focus here is on married couples, which probably means a lot of male-female couples who are legally bound, even in the state of CA. That forgets about couples who are unmarried, whether due to legal restrictions or simply because marriage isn’t right for them. You don’t have to be married to be in a sexless relationship and be distressed by it.
Not does being in a sexless relationship, in and of itself, have to be distressing, so long as no party involved is bothered by it.

I’m really disturbed by the narcissism argument. Again you’re probably saying this based on actual couples you’ve seen so it may well have some basis. Still, I’ve thought about it, & thought about it, & thought about it some more,
And I still cannot come to grips with anyone thinking like that, save perhaps for people who actually have narcissistic personality disorder. I think this is the very first time I’ve ever heard a statement like that, that anyone could be disgusted by their partner because they are somehow “Less than perfect.” No one is. Who expects that?

I would have phrased the 3rd part of the “Myth” point differently. It is very easy to internalize these myths when they are pounded into your head over & over by the media & daily interactions with other people.

I do not feel that porn has to contribute to a sexless relationship. If one or more parties in a relationship become addicted to it, or is easily influenced by it, then in my mind I imagine that that same person would still be easily addicted or easily influenced by some other thing if the porn wasn’t there. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. A selfish partner is still going to be selfish in other ways if you remove porn. You may be able to get through to them a little more easily with the TV off, but it’s going to take more work than that to make the lessons stick.
I am not fully understanding how porn makes sex seem bigger & larger than life either. Why does porn have this ability, but not mainstream media – tv that features heavy, sometimes surprisingly explicit sex scenes? Why does reading erotica not have that same power even when the erotica is highly explicit & idealizes scenes to the point where the reader could probably not perform all the stunts & tricks written down? I would say instead that daily exposure to sex scandals & mundane sexual situations on TV & on the radio & such has a stronger influence than porn, since you can turn porn off after a few minutes… but you cannot turn off the magazines staring out at you at the checkout line, the conversations you hear your friends & co-workers gossip about, the newspapers exposing politicians for their raunchy private sex lives, etc.

TBH I’m a little thrown off seeing a sex therapist actually refer to porn as a “Trap,” rather than as a possible area for couples to explore. I’m also a bit disturbed that you refer to sex as “Sacred,” when in a couple of paragraphs above you said it was a myth that all sex had to be red-hot. Why should all sex be sacred? Sometimes it just is. It can be sacred yes, and you can take that to the extreme if you want to try tantra. But what is this meaning of sex anyway? We should be able to construct our own meaning.

& I’m not understanding your last paragraph about living secularly. Are you saying then, that couples need a healthy injection of faith, spirituality? Do you mean to say “Fidelity” instead of “Faithful?”
And finally, I think even *I* need to be in a monogamous relationship… but I do not wish to discount as inferior those couples who have explored polyamory (would they still be called “Couples” then?) That’s not right for everyone. It takes work and communication. But if you’re in an open relationship, the sex you have with people other than your partner, need not be clandestine at all.

My own situation has to do with medication and chronic illness. There, you have a direct cause and effect. But I think in more ordinary situations, there are three big reasons for sexless marriage.

1. Marriages are not sexless, but loveless, in too many cases. People turn into companions, or roommates, or co-executors, or co-child raisers, and the ideas of romance and desire get short shrift. But don’t you think that if people were willing to be merely adequate parents or financial co mangers, and valued those things less than they valued fire, desire, and romance, marriages would be a lot more full of sex? And, by the way, happier?

2. Here is the politically incorrect part. I think we have wimped out men in our popular culture. We have gotten them to be so empathetic, huggie-veggie, talk about their feelings, care-giving, etc. that the mystery and desire is bleached right out of them, in many cases. Call me crazy, but I would rather desire a husband who builds muscles by building things, or runs, or lifts weights, than have a husband who cans apricots or changes diapers.

e. As a society, we’re fat and out of shape. Fat and out of shape is not sexy. Period.