- 08
- Jul
One of my favorite colleagues and fellow sex therapist, Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, has just completed some very exciting research on what makes for great sex in couples in long-term relationships and in couples who identify with sexual minority groups such as gays and bisexuals. Her research strongly parallels what I have seen as the ingredients for a great sex life: a feeling of safety and trust, being fully present for the experience, being playful and vibrant, experimenting, and of course, great communication.
What didn’t make for optimal sex? Worrying about sex positions, lotions, and potions, sex toys, appearance, chemistry, and orgasms. All the rest–the sense of connection, of being together with a loving partner–far outweighed these relatively superficial requirements.
Dr. Kleinplatz’s studies also underscore some myths we have about sexuality: that sex is best with a stranger, and that people who are gay or bisexual have only fleeting sexual experiences. Neither is true. Sex with a caring partner, who is willing to take the time to find out what is pleasurable for themselves and their partner, can be had in the context of a loving relationship, straight, gay, or bi.
You can read some specifics of the study in yesterday’s Ottawa Citizen newspaper.
Are you ready for real change?
July 11th, 2009 at 6:19 am
How odd.
Kleinplatz found, according to your link…
“Significantly and surprisingly, says Kleinplatz, the study found two areas on which participants placed extremely little importance: intense physical sensation and orgasm, and lust, desire, chemistry and attraction.”
But Daniel Bergner’s long January 2009 NY Times magazine article “What Do Women Want?” says this, in part, discussing the work of sexologist and research Dr. Marta Meana:
“The generally accepted therapeutic notion that, for women, incubating intimacy leads to better sex is, Meana told me, often misguided. “Really,” she said, “women’s desire is not relational, it’s narcissistic” — it is dominated by the yearnings of “self-love,” by the wish to be the object of erotic admiration and sexual need.”
Basically, being desired is the ultimate turn on.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html
Umm…. who’s right? Because they both can’t be right for the same people.
Maybe the answer is that each is right for different people, and they key to decent long term sex in a marriage is for the guy’s style to match up to the woman’s style. That is, a high-desire guy better match with a high-desire woman, and a high-intimacy guy better match with a high-intimacy woman
.
If they do? Good. If not? Yikes.