It’s a question I get asked often: Can a sex therapist really help us with our problem?  And, in how many sessions?

In a recent comment, a woman wondered if a man’s low sexual desire was really more about no longer finding their partner attractive, not even a little bit.  She also wondered if the problem could be fixed, and if so, how long it would take.

First, as to the problem itself, low sexual desire can indicate many things, including the presence of out-of-kilter hormones and other biological problems, like an enlarged pituitary gland.  Also, in a study of people with depression, about 70% reported that they had low sexual desire.  Low desire may also occur when a person is struggling with another sexual problem, such as erectile dysfunction or, in either sex, lack of orgasm.

Of course, low desire can also be indicative of a problem in the relationship.  The person with low desire may be angry and unable to express their anger appropriately, so they withhold sex.  They may find that their partner’s lovemaking technique leaves something to be desired.  Rather than communicate, they avoid sex or make excuses.

And yes, as the person who commented said, sometimes it means that the person is so turned off by their partner that they no longer want to have sex with them.  It could be that trust was betrayed, or that the person has a problem like addiction for which they haven’t taken responsibility.  Sadly, sometimes couples do simply grow apart due to the stresses and strains of life or perhaps a lack of connection while they are involved in other pursuits, e.g., parenting or careers.

As to how long it takes, well, the pat answer is, it takes as long as it takes!  That’s because every single case I see at The Buehler Institute is unique.  In general, though, it takes from 1-3 sessions to thoroughly understand the problem, and anywhere from 6 to perhaps 20 sessions to repair or heal.  Sex therapy is often quite focused and considered to be short-term.  However, sometimes problems are more complex than they initially appear on the surface; for example, a person may realize that past sexual abuse or other negative experience may also be influencing the situation at hand.

Kind regards,

Dr. Stephanie Buehler

Sex Therapist, Orange County

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