An article on ABC News, “Back in the Saddle,” talks about the sexuality of women who have become divorced or widowed in middle age.  According to the women that Susan Donaldson James interviewed for her article, women in middle age have a few worries and obstacles–and a few good surprises, too.

Here are some of the obstacles:

• Embarrassment.  Women may feel ill-equipped to have a sexual relationship with a new partner.  Women in their 50s and 60s may have only had one or just a few sexual partners before entering into a long-term relationship.  If that marriage wasn’t very sexual, they may worry about appearing inexperienced.
• Body image.  Our culture isn’t exactly kind to women as they age, and unfortunately, women begin to internalize these negative attitudes toward their mature appearance.  Women worry that they will look unattractive when unclothed and that the new partner will be unforgiving.
• Sexual function.  Sad but true:  If a woman doesn’t have intercourse, her vagina can actually atrophy, or shrink.  And with menopause, tissues do become drier and more fragile.  If a woman hasn’t been sexually active in awhile, she may be in for a nasty surprise.

And here are some ways to overcome obstacles to sexual pleasure the second time around:

• Just because you haven’t had a partner for awhile doesn’t mean you haven’t been a sexual being!  But if your sexuality has been MIA, you can reconnect with it by watching and reading erotic material, using your senses to enjoy life, and being your own lover with self-pleasuring.
• Take care of your appearance.  You don’t have to get botox injections or a face lift to be attractive. But you do want to look your best.  Start with the foundation of good sleep, eating, and exercise habits.  What makes someone young look appealing is, in part, a glow of health.  Even if you have health problems, you can optimize what health you do have with good habits.
• Talk to your physician. Make sure that your reproductive system is in good shape for sex.  You don’t necessarily want to think about hormone replacement therapy; topical estrogen and nonprescription, OTC preparations can take care of dryness.

Deeper concerns can be a sign of psychological distress.  It isn’t unusual for me to see men and women who have been traumatized by a bad relationship or marriage, their divorce, or its aftermath.  If such fears are preventing you from entering a new relationship then you might do well to schedule some visits with a psychotherapist.

Kind regards,

Dr. Stephanie Buehler

Director, The Buehler Institute

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