Yet another sexual myth to explode:  It’s always the woman in the relationship that doesn’t want sex.

Not true.  Not by a long shot.  It may not happen as often, but it happens more often than most people think.  And women are just as affected when their partner doesn’t want sex as men are when their partners turn them down over and over again.

Women in sexless marriages complain of feeling unloved, rejected, and unattractive.  In part because of the myth that “men always want sex,” they sometimes feel even more desperate than their male counterparts.  They experience intense sadness–and frustration.

When it comes to sex, even if you’re not talking about it, you’re communicating something.  When a man withholds sex from his partner, more often than not, he’s expressing displeasure with some aspect of the relationship.  What that is differs from situation from situation.  But getting a man to open up and talk about it directly can be difficult.  Quite often, he himself has no idea why he’s upset.  All he knows is that he doesn’t much feel like having sex, and there the story ends, leaving his partner frustrated.

I do frequently advise that physical problems be ruled out.  Unless you’re trained in medicine, you really can’t tell just by looking or studying someone’s behavior what might be going on in someone’s body.  Low testosterone and other medical problems can interfere with desire.

Also (and here I must admit I gave a big sigh), it can be difficult to convince a man to come into therapy, if a woman thinks this might be helpful.  He may call it “hocus pocus,” accuse the therapist of “just wanting to make money off of us,” or feel too embarrassed to talk about his problems.  Both male and female therapists, if they are worth their salt, understand this and know how to talk to men about their concerns.

Even though this is a difficult situation, it can be important that a woman supports her partner with the understanding that this may be difficult for him, too.  Instead of making threats or saying things designed to hurt, work on the problem together to find a solution.

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