Most couples have great difficulty talking about sex, and when they do manage it, they often bungle the conversation.   From a sex therapist, here are seven ways to make communicating about sex easier.

1. Identify what you want to talk about.  Do you want to talk about orgasms that fizzle, sexual boredom, or your partner’s lack of attention to after play?  Saying vague things, like “Sex with you is boring,” isn’t going to solve the problem.
2. Keep your communication style assertive.  Don’t put your partner on the defensive.  Focus on what you want, not on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
3. Help your partner help you.  Be specific about what you want your partner to do.  “Change things up” isn’t as clear as, “I would like to have a little more manual attention before we have intercourse.”
4. Speak in language your partner appreciates.  If your partner doesn’t like you to use coarse language, then don’t use it when you are giving feedback or asking for what you want.
5. Be sensitive to your partner.  If your partner is awkward or hesitant in bed, telling him or her that they are as exciting as a flounder won’t help.  Tell your partner something you like, then what you’d like them to do differently, then thank them again for doing what you enjoy.
6. Don’t bring up the past unless absolutely necessary.  That means both things that happened between the two of you, and things that happened between you and another partner.  Move on and focus on the present moment and what you’d like to see change in the immediate future.
7. Give feedback at an appropriate time.  Right after having sex isn’t it.  Choose a time when you are both likely to be relaxed and your partner will be receptive.  Let your partner know what you’d like to talk about ahead of time.

Have any tips you’d like to add?  Leave a comment and I’ll post those that I think are helpful.

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