As a sex therapist, one of the most heartbreaking scenarios in my office must be when one person announces with their partner in the treatment room that they don’t love their partner any more.  But perhaps worse than saying the words “any more,” are saying the words, “I never loved you.”  I can’t imagine what kind of turmoil it puts both partners into at the moment the words are spoken, but I can tell you that for me all the air gets sucked out of the room.  Is this couple’s relationship going to make it?

Recently, an article in USA Today discussed people that walk down the aisle, even though they know with some certainty that the marriage could fail.  Why do they do it?

• They thought they could make their partner change.
• They just didn’t want to be single.
• There was an unplanned pregnancy.
• They felt pressured by family.
• They wanted financial security.
• They figured they could make it work.

Obviously, for the most part these aren’t great reasons to get married.  Even in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, if there is no love, then there probably shouldn’t be a marriage.

Sometimes a person struggling with the issue of whether or not to divorce a partner because they never felt chemistry nor a connection will decide that they will stay for the sake of the children.  If the person’s partner isn’t drinking, cheating, or being abusive, then that is probably the best decision.  Once the children have grown, they can choose to stay or go, but giving offspring the best possible chance for success can be a sacrifice worth making.

If there are no children involved, then statistically the marriage probably will not last.  While children put a great deal of strain on a marriage–so much responsibility, so little time–they are also paradoxically the “glue” that can hold a marriage together.  Unless someone is very religious, there is little incentive to stay in a loveless marriage.

A loveless marriage is different, though, from a sexless marriage, or a marriage in which sex has never really worked very well.  Love may never be there the way it is portrayed in the movies or novels, but if someone has a decent sex life with their partner (regular, satisfying sex), they may choose to stay in the marriage.  If there is caring and respect, as well as sex, the marriage may survive despite the lack of passion, however that might be described or imagined.

If, however, there are long term sexual issues, even if the relationship is good in other respects, it may not survive the truth:  That one partner has stayed in the marriage out of a sense of duty.  At some point, however, they can no longer tolerate their sexual needs being denied.

I wish I could tell you that in those cases I am always able to help the relationship to heal, to get the couple’s sex life on track so that they can resume the marriage.  Sometimes things don’t work out because there is too much anger and resentment that has built up over the years.  When a partner fails to take responsibility for taking care of sexual problems, the other partner may try to brush it off, reasoning that they aren’t in the relationship for the sex.  But sex and intimate touch are real needs.  Denying them does no good.

What is the remedy?  If you are struggling because you’re not sure you can handle another day of a marriage in which the sex doesn’t work, don’t give up, at least not yet.  Research shows that most couples that attend marital therapy do benefit.  But don’t expect the therapist to do all the work.  Deciding that you are going to give therapy a shot and then showing up without an expectation of having to make a commitment to your marriage and the process isn’t going to cut it.  You’re going to have to work, even if you feel that it’s your partner that “has the problem.”  If your partner has a problem, you have a problem, and you’re going to have to work together as a team.

No sex therapist where you live?  Visit AASECT, click on the map, and find someone in your area.  And remember:  Therapy is way, way, way cheaper than divorce, and the cost of divorce goes way beyond dollars and cents.

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