A devoted husband can be truly puzzled when his wife either seems uninterested or tells him flat out that she has no sex drive.  He remembers a time when his wife made love freely, when her drive seemed to match his own.  Now he still feels attracted to her, but she turns him down more frequently than she agrees.

Women’s sexual desire is more complex than a man’s.  Especially for women in long term relationships, sexual desire is less driven by hormones, though they do play a role.  What seems to be more important is the quality of the relationship between a woman and her partner; her mood, energy, and stress level; her feelings about herself and her body; and her overall enjoyment of sexual activity.

Also, while men feel horny and then want sex, women in long terms relationships often need some loving before they feel horny.  If a man approaches his wife or partner with his motor on “idle” and gives her some time to warm up without pressure, letting her tune in to her own needs to see if a “no” might become a “yes.”

Another way to help a woman enjoy sex more is to take the time to find out what she enjoys.  If she can’t communicate it verbally, ask if she can show you by guiding your hand with her own.  Encourage her to explore her own body so that she can share what she has discovered with you.

If your wife complains that she doesn’t have any energy, help her out.  If you are feeling amorous, take over a few chores so that she can put her feet up or take a warm bath.  Try doing this regularly, whether or not you are looking for an opportunity for sex.  It’s a fact:  Men that help out have sex more frequently.

There are some rather serious reasons that women may lack desire.  One is that they experience sexual trauma.  Another is that intercourse is painful.  A third would be medical problems, both gynecological and non-gynecological; a woman that has no drive should definitely seek a medical examination.  Problems with depression and anxiety can also interfere with drive.  Finally, changes such as the birth of a child or menopause can have an effect on libido.  These experiences are real and need to be addressed; they just don’t go away on their own.

There is nearly always a reason a woman’s drive goes missing.  Invite your wife to do some detective work with you and then work on the problem together.  If you solve it, great.  If not, perhaps you are both too close to the problem or haven’t considered some of the other many reasons this happens; try using the services of a AASECT certified sex therapist to help you.

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