The New York Times reports today that insomnia, sleep apnea, and other sleep problems may be the downfall for the sex lives of many couples.  It’s true, many people in my Orange County sex therapy practice complain that they are too tired for sex.  But the fact of the matter is, they just plain old aren’t getting enough sleep.  As reported in the article, a lot of people have poor sleep hygiene.  (Yes, I know, the words “sleep hygiene” send you right back to your middle school health class, but that’s what it’s called when you have a healthful sleep routine.)  That means that they are staying up too late, watching disturbing material before bed, drinking too much alcohol, or even fighting before trying to get some sleep.

These behaviors lead to the common complaint of being too tired for sex.  But I sometimes wonder if it isn’t the other way around:  there may be sex and relationship problems which lead to health and sleep problems.  If you have a good sex life and your marriage and relationship are satisfying, chances are you are sleeping well.  If you had a loving, intimate relationship with your partner, your perspective on the problems of living might change.  You might be less troubled, less anxious, and more resilient if you had a better intimate life, in and out of the bedroom.

By coincidence, the next day I received an article in my inbox from the journal “Canadian Psychology” that discusses therapy for insomnia.  Did you know that 30% of adults report insomnia occasionally, and 10% report frequently enough that it is considered a chronic disorder?  Insomnia is associated with several mental disorders, and it is also a cause of depression and dependence on sleep medications.

Insomnia can also interfere with sexual functioning, so it’s a good idea to look at your sleep habits if you have decreased sexual desire or other issues.  How do you improve sleep?  By establishing a regular sleep routine, i.e., going to sleep and waking up the same time each day; avoiding alcoholic beverages in the evening; keeping your bedroom dark and cool; and sleeping on a comfortable mattress and pillow.  Also, use the bedroom only for sleep and sex; don’t work or argue in the bedroom.

How you think about sleep also influences how well you sleep.  If you think of not having sleep as a disaster, you’re going to be very anxious about getting enough sleep.  If you do have a difficult time sleeping one or two nights, don’t make it into a catastrophe.  Just tell yourself that it’s normal to have sleep problems and that you are going to get a good night’s sleep.

Sex and sleep are connected.  When both are good, you’re happier and more resilient to stress, and in better overall health.

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