Just read an article by Jane Glenn Haas, a regular columnist who writes about senior life for the Orange County Register.  Entitled, “Be Careful with That Sexting, Seniors,” Haas discusses sex over 50, 60, 70, and beyond.  I am appreciative for the interview, and for Haas doing such a good job of getting it right.

There are so many stereotypes when it comes to sex and the mature adult.  I always remember a man in his 30s telling me, “My wife and I need to hurry up and start having a lot of sex, because we’ll be done by the time we’re in our forties!”

You’ve gotta be kidding.

Just because you don’t move as quickly or forget your glasses are on top of your head occasionally doesn’t mean that you aren’t spry enough to have sex.  The body may not be as beautiful, but feelings of love and desire may grow even stronger with a couple that has been bonded for years.  And for couples experiencing romance in their later years, the sparks can still fly pretty high.

Enjoy the article, and let me know what you think!

Forgiveness is an act that is sometimes misunderstood.  In a marriage or long-term relationship, though, forgiveness is often required if it is to function.  The first act of forgiveness comes when you realize that your partner isn’t perfect.  It is inevitable that your partner is going to anger, disappoint, or test you.  At that moment, you have a few choices:  Keep punishing your partner with resentment, verbal or nonverbal; let go of a grudge, accept your partner as human and move on; or move on altogether, with or without forgiveness.

Sometimes couples disappoint each other in the bedroom and have trouble with forgiveness.  A man’s female partner can’t have an orgasm and he berates her for being unresponsive.  A woman’s male partner ejaculates too quickly and she becomes caustic and critical.  The couple may just have different expectations about their sex life, but be unable to discuss it; they may quietly suffer for years.  The angry partner may also become critical, sometimes, in other parts of the couple’s relationship; at other times, the couple may put a lot of energy into putting up a front to the world that their relationship is really much better than it is.

Can you forgive your partner for their sexual shortcomings, be a good friend, and support them toward change?  Can you let go of your resentment and become compassionate, realize that your partner may be hurting, too?  Sexual forgiveness takes maturity, too.  Your partner perhaps didn’t learn how to be a long-term sexual mate.  You can learn together.  If mistakes or missteps have been made, be patient and above all be forgiving.

I had an interesting discussion recently with a couple about the value of foreplay for men, since the husband didn’t seem to think it was necessary for him.  Most people think that foreplay is for women, to help them relax and get prepared for intercourse or orgasm.  But foreplay is for men, too.  Foreplay can also help a man relax, which can make orgasm more pleasurable.

But foreplay isn’t just about orgasms.  It is also a way to connect with your partner.  You can take turns giving one another pleasure.  You can choose to be passive and let your partner give to you, or to be active and please your partner.  Or, you can have mutual foreplay, both giving and receiving pleasure at the same time.  It’s more about sharing an intimate, fun experience than about preparation for intercourse.

If foreplay is imaginative, there may be no need for intercourse; orgasms may be experienced in other ways.  Foreplay can also allow you to explore one another’s bodies, to understand what is erotic for each of you.  It is a time to free yourself and be creative, to try out scenarios that turn you on.  You may find out that you enjoy some of the same things, or that you need to make adjustments so that your fantasy is fun for both of you.

Foreplay builds a sense of connection and intimacy.  When someone doesn’t want foreplay, for me as a therapist, I am always curious about whether they are able to be truly intimate with a partner, to let a partner get into what they are really about in the bedroom and to get into their partner’s thoughts and feelings.  Foreplay is one of life’s great free experiences, right there in the privacy of your own home.

A devoted husband can be truly puzzled when his wife either seems uninterested or tells him flat out that she has no sex drive.  He remembers a time when his wife made love freely, when her drive seemed to match his own.  Now he still feels attracted to her, but she turns him down more frequently than she agrees.

Women’s sexual desire is more complex than a man’s.  Especially for women in long term relationships, sexual desire is less driven by hormones, though they do play a role.  What seems to be more important is the quality of the relationship between a woman and her partner; her mood, energy, and stress level; her feelings about herself and her body; and her overall enjoyment of sexual activity.

Also, while men feel horny and then want sex, women in long terms relationships often need some loving before they feel horny.  If a man approaches his wife or partner with his motor on “idle” and gives her some time to warm up without pressure, letting her tune in to her own needs to see if a “no” might become a “yes.”

Another way to help a woman enjoy sex more is to take the time to find out what she enjoys.  If she can’t communicate it verbally, ask if she can show you by guiding your hand with her own.  Encourage her to explore her own body (more…)

When most people think of sex, they naturally think of intercourse.  Remember Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sex with that woman!”  Ahem, he most certainly did.   But even a “zipless” encounter can be quite passionate and can quite definitely be counted as a sexual act.  Just watch “The Young Victoria” to see that people have sex all the time without having intercourse.

It isn’t just men that feel sex is only about intercourse and resulting orgasm.  Women often say that it’s the only part of sex they enjoy.  Perhaps it’s because it’s the only part of sex that has an official stamp of approval as being sex.  After all, most people are taught that “Sex is for after you get married
because it can result in pregnancy.  Since pregnancy nearly always occurs as the result of intercourse, it only makes sense that sex means such an act has occurred.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with intercourse.  It’s just that it’s very limited.  It requires that both partners be aroused, that the genitals are in good working condition, that the participants have the strength and stamina to follow through with the act.  That is, I think, part of the reason that people think of “sex” as being for young people.

If sex included every act of pleasure, people–both individuals and couples–would be much better off.  Including self-, oral, and manual stimulation would take the pressure off of having intercourse.  It would decrease unwanted pregnancy and disease.  It would make it easier to imagine having sex as one ages, or sex if one is alone.  And if a woman had discomfort with intercourse or a man struggled with erectile dysfunction as the result of temporary illness or stress, then they could still be affectionate and comforting with one another.

If you are someone that balks at the idea of venturing beyond sex = intercourse, it might be interesting to think about why that is.  Is it due to stereotype?  Inhibitions about other types of sexual activities?  A belief that sex is only for procreation, so if one is going to have sex for recreation, it had better be a reasonable facsimile?  If going outside your sex = intercourse comfort zone is truly distasteful, well, so be it.  But it could be that you realize you are holding back from exploring all types of sex, starting with cuddling and kissing.  And then what would be the harm of exploring your sexual potential?

The Los Angeles Times ran a couple of articles on January 11, 2010 on the issue of whether or not a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) was worth any more than the paper it was written on.  Apparently, there is a group of psychologists that feel (since research does not back them up) the Psy.D. is a lowly substitute for lazy folks that don’t quite have what it takes to handle the rigor of the more highly prized Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) in psychology.  Their reasoning is that because more schools that turn out Psy.D.’s are independent schools, which have a higher acceptance rate than Ph.D. programs that are attached to a university.  Psy.D.’s, they argue, don’t do research and therefore aren’t equipped to provide science-based psychotherapy.

Horse rubbish.  I am a proud possessor of a Psy.D., the only drawback of which is that Ph.D.’s like to take pot shots at my degree.  In fact, when I was in grad school I remember dreaming that a fellow Ph.D. student parked her Cadillac on my then rather sad-looking front lawn; talk about an inferiority complex.  I’ve gotten over that, though–and my lawn has been replaced with water thrifty plants, to boot.

What the heck is a Psy.D., you might be asking yourself.  Well, it is based on the so-called “Boulder model” of training, which came out of the University of Colorado at Boulder.  The idea was that those psychologists that wanted to practice psychotherapy needed to have more clinical training and supervision.  In order to provide top notch services, the Psy.D. needs to be able to evaluate research and implement it in the clinical setting.  To that end, the Psy.D. writes an extensive review of an area of research literature for a dissertation, as opposed to doing a piece of original research.

For my doctorate, (more…)

As important as our sexuality is, I doubt very much whether many people review their sex life over the past year and ponder a vision of what could be possible in the New Year.

The “oh” decade (years 2000 through 2009) brought us a war over abstinence-only sex education, an injection was introduced to help women avoid HPV, and more pills and potions were created to ensure an erection, create desire, or make sex feel better.  We were also witness to multiple sex scandals, from Larry Craig sending Morse code in a public bathroom to Mark Sanford lying about hitting the Appalachian Trail when in actuality he was winging his way to see his soul mate in Argentina.

Also in this decade were a slew of books about low desire, no erection, no orgasm, ejaculating too quickly or not at all, tantric sex, no sex, and the difficult-to-define too much sex aka “sex addiction.”   (More on this latter topic next week.)  It’s difficult to tell if the world is really a better place despite the efforts of so many well-meaning authors.

If I could make some wishes for the year ahead, they might include:

• Couples would talk to one another about their sex life in the same way they talk about what breed of dog to get or what refrigerator to purchase
• Men would stop measuring their self-worth by their erections, and women would do the same.
• Women that don’t enjoy sex would admit it’s because they have never told their partner what to do to make sex enjoyable.
• People would understand that sexual problems that take years to develop can’t be resolved in a single 50 minute session.  Couples wouldn’t wait years to see a therapist, making their problem all the more complex.
• Pharmaceutical companies would state in their ads for antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, sleep medicines, and sexual aids, “Try psychotherapy first.  You may not need medication at all.  And if you do, your therapist can refer you to a psychiatrist for treatment.”  Ideally, however, such advertising would be banned.
• Sex education would include information about the serious decision-making and responsibility involved in choosing to be sexually active.
• Every pregnancy would be a wanted pregnancy.
• People that are frustrated by monogamy (more…)

If you regularly read my blog, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything in over a week.  Here’s why:  I have a book contract, and most of my creative energy is going into that endeavor.  It isn’t an easy book to write, and it isn’t a book that is going to make me rich, but it is, I think, an important book, one that takes another step toward de-stigmatizing mental illness and helps couples struggling with sexual issues.  There is no other book available that is like it, and as we go into the next year, I’ll share more about it.

So forgive me for not being current. The blog is important not just to me, because let’s be honest, a blog is a marketing tool, but it is also important to my readers.  Most of them are unseen, but occasionally people email me to let me know that they read something helpful in one of my posts.  I am contacted by people around the globe, folks that have very little access to good information on sexuality.

I enjoy sharing what I have learned and my perspectives.  Sex really is important to quality of life; when it isn’t working it makes people quite miserable.  If I can help someone untwist some strange myth, or identify the name of a problem, or give some good information or a link to something important, that is gratifying for me.

I was an elementary school teacher for a decade, so I am always teaching.  I don’t always know if I am having an effect, but I assume that I am and keep marching forward.

I hope the next decade brings us all closer to true sexual health–the freedom to express our sexuality in the way each person sees fit, without exploiting or being exploited.  I hope I can add to that effort in a meaningful way.  I hope more people have want they want:  Satisfying sex with a loving partner.

Today a major pharmaceutical company announced that preliminary studies of an antidepressant call Flibanserin suggest that the drug helped premenopausal women experience more sexual desire and greater sexual satisfaction.

The announcement created the usual cascade of media attention generated when the topic is sex–especially when it is made by a powerful pharmaceutical company with a rich budget for PR.  Make no mistake, image is going to be a huge factor in how the company will be able to market and sell the drug to women.

This brief article and interview with Dr. Jennifer Ashton on CBS seems pretty balanced.  Dr. Ashton mentions that for women the topic of low sexual desire is complex.  There’s a lot more to it than “plumbing,” as it seems to be for men who have Viagra and other PDE5 inhibitors to help them out.  That’s an important distinction, because the media is calling Flibanserin “female Viagra.”  It sounds like an apt analogy, but isn’t really.  PDE5 inhibitors work to keep blood in the penis.  This new drug for women is a psychotropic medication, meaning that it works on the brain.

Another balanced article appears here, in which two OB/GYNs discuss the pros and cons of medication.

On some level, this reminds me of what initially occurred when Prozac came on the scene.  Many people that took it felt that it enhanced their personality, and this caused a discussion of so-called designer or lifestyle drugs.  Is Flibanserin a lifestyle drug?  What do you think?

I can understand a need for the drug.  Sometimes women undergo medical treatments or have life events that truly seem to throw them so out of balance that they cannot recover their sex drive.  For example, recovering one’s libido after a severe bout of post partum depression is very difficult, so an antidepressant that works specifically on drive has a certain attractive quality.

My concern is that the medication be touted not as a cure all, but as an adjunct to psychotherapy, or as a second line treatment when psychotherapy has been attempted but failed.  Take the example of post partum depression.  Certainly it has a hormonal component, but it is always much more complicated than that, often having to do with a woman’s identity, her relationships, her own needs vs. the needs of her infant, and so on.  Can one pill really do so much?  Would it be better to look within, in the context of counseling, to understand the root cause and further one’s own development, or to take a pill and skip that part altogether?

What do you think?  If this drug is ever approved, should ads be plastered all over TV, like ads for ED drugs?  Or should ads be limited to a select audience of women, e.g., placed in publications for mothers of children under the age of 5.  Canada doesn’t allow drug advertising, but we do.

What do you think?  I’d love to read comments.

What a treat I had in store when I contacted Kim Airs, the “sexpert” for Pipedream, a humongous manufacturer of sex toys.  Not only is she incredibly humorous, but she also suggested that we could invite local members to learn about sex toys and tour the factory.

Talk about having a blast and a half.  I’m the Western Regional Rep for AASECT, the largest organization of sexuality therapists, educators and counselors, so I get the opportunity to call and welcome new members.

So we aimed for Friday, November 13.  We only had a few members attend, including AASECT past president Patti Britton and new member Holly Richmond, but a good time was had by all.  First, Kim gave us a tour of the giant showroom filled with racks and racks of toys of every type, color, material, and purpose imaginable.  She pulled vibrators out and put in batteries so we could feel the difference in intensity.  She let us examine Japanese-style masturbation sleeves for men.  And we learned all about the different lubes (Pipedream’s bestseller is a lube called Moist).  Then there’s the Fetish line—not for the faint at heart, but certainly intriguing for anyone who wants to try roleplay.  Dominatrix and slave in a box!

Sex toys can be an important part of sex therapy treatment.  They let men and women experiment with sensation, either privately or together.  They help with orgasm in a way that is low key and non-pressured but still very arousing.  Things like lubricants permit both vaginal and anal intercourse to be more comfortable.  For people who don’t have a partner, they can be essential.  For people that do, they are a terrific adjunct.

Okay, so seeing a giant tub filled with disembodied purple penises is a little weird.  And watching the mild-mannered Latino men and women going about their jobs as if they were making widgets was unexpected.  The factory is incredibly clean and organized, though.

One of Kim’s jobs is to answer questions from people that have bought their products, even though they don’t sell anything directly to the public.  She told us that when one woman complained that her husband bought her a dildo that was too large, she naturally told the woman that the product couldn’t be returned, “but perhaps you can use it as a doorstop.”  In the anything goes world of sex toys, it’s a perfectly fine answer.

Last words from Kim for women on how to pick a sex toy:  “Use your eyes.  If one sense is drawn to a certain shape or color, that’s your body telling you something, so pay attention.”

Thanks, Kim, for an entertaining and fascinating morning.

(In photo L to R, Dr. Patti Britton, yours truly, Holly Richmond, and Kim Airs.)