I already knew this–did you? Couples that share in fun more frequently report that their marriage is a happy one, according to an article in USA Today. “Fun” is defined as leisure activities that the couple enjoys doing together. It does NOT include watching TV or noodling on the Internet!

My husband Mark and I just returned from a lovely weekend in Palo Alto, tasting wine and eating great food. We consider such getaways essential to keeping our marriage happy. In the middle of a blah period, we can cook a great meal and take out one of the bottles of wine that we purchased on our trip. Drinking the wine helps us remember good times. Maybe that’s why this August we’ll celebrate the fact that we met 26 years ago.

In my practice, it is sad how many couples never plan to do anything fun together. They become glum about the marriage–and other things as well. Did you know that scheduling fun is part of treatment for depression? Fun and play are just as important for adults as for kids.

Not sure any more what feels like fun? Sit down and think about things that you enjoyed as a kid or adolescent. One woman recently decided that she most enjoyed dirt biking when she was young, which motivated her to get her cyclist’s license and get back on her scooter. Once you figure that out, invite your partner to join you.

Or go back to your dating days and recall what you enjoyed doing back then. Did you like to go out dancing? Maybe it’s time to take some lessons and learn new steps. Or were you always at the game together? Were romantic comedies your thing? Or did you see plays? Go to the museum? Take photos? Hike?

But people do change over time. Some interests are enduring, some not so much. If you find that what used to interest you now makes you yawn, time to pick something new. Have fun trying it together, and if it turns out that it’s not as much fun as you thought, big deal. Just try something else!

And btw, on a last note, ahem, sex is fun! Interesting that the article left out this recreational activity…

A story in the BBC News reports that more people in their 70s are having sex–and enjoying it. Studies suggest that women are more orgasmic than they once were as they aged, and men find that their erectile function improves if they have sex at least once a week.

What are your stereotypes about people aging and sex? I remember a 30-something client whose sex life with his wife had diminished commented, “We need to have sex now because we won’t be having it later.” I remember looking at him with shock. Did he really think that people became sexually dead as they aged?

As one therapist quoted in the story suggests, not every elderly person will choose to stay sexual, but the key word is, I think, “choose.” When we buy into stereotypes of aging people losing interest in sex, we also buy into the idea that our sexual expression ends in our 50s, 60s, or 70s.

I would guess that people who enjoyed sex early in life and in midlife would choose to stay sexual, unless serious illness prevented them from doing so. But even someone who is ill can still have sex. We just need to broaden our ideas about what sex is–does it necessarily have to be intercourse? And does one need to have a partner to still be considered a sexual being?

Sex serves many functions, from physical well-being to emotional connectedness, whether with a partner or to one’s self. There’s really no reason for people to worry about becoming old and sexless. You can choose to stay sexual as long as you wish. You may need to talk to your physician for help with hormones or medications, but if you want to imagine yourself enjoying a romp or a long, slow session, go ahead. It’s well within reason.

According to The Star, drinking more than the safe alcohol limit can have damaging effects on a man’s sexual performance. Drinking more than four units of beer a day will result in lack of libido, ejaculation and fertility, along with impotence. Other factors contributing to erectile dysfunction and drinking are stress and depression.

Also, an article in Canada.com reports that men that run three hours a week decrease their risk of impotence by 30%. Also, male runners possess the sexual performance of those two to five years their junior. It is also stated that this in combination with diet can improve performance up to ten years. This is due to the happy hormones released during vigorous exercise. Other benefits are lower cardiovascular risks and injuries.

Various organizations have named Japan as the least sexually active society. It comes to much surprise that this is also a place that craves pornography so much that it has been made into a billion-dollar industry. On top of this, according to TIME, the best selling genre is elder porn. The reason for this craze? One Japanese production company believes that the storylines are more real and relatable, along with the competitiveness of the industry. The article tells about the biggest pornstar of this genre, a 74 year-old man with over 300 films under his belt unbeknownst to his family. And although films featuring young stars sell fast for a few months, films that feature mature adults sell well in the long run for many years.

A recent article in MSNBC addresses the issue of intimacy for returning veterans. Being injured neurologically and physically can have major impact on adjusting back to civilian life, and one of the areas not spoken about is how those will regain the intimate emotional and physical functioning they had before being deployed. One couple who experienced this first hand has started to speak publicly about this issue since it’s an important topic that veterans may be embarrassed to talk about or their doctors feel bringing it up would cross the line, but whatever the case it’s there and not only effects sex, but also, relationships in general. Due to having to adjust to their changes, the injured encounter new insecurities that may hinder their previous and future relationships, but with the right information and tools this can be helped.

According to DailyMail, pelvic floor exercises are a drug-free alternative that involves contracting of the pelvic muscles and brings the same results as Viagra, but without the side effects. This muscle, known as the pelvic floor, goes from the tailbone all the way to the pelvic bone having an important role when it comes to, not only having sex, but also controlling other daily functions that use that area of the body. According to one urologist, those who can have an erection, but are unable to keep it will be successful at this exercise, which we teach at The Buehler Institute. Check out the article to read about one mans successful experience with this.

This is a tough topic, but it’s been on my mind for weeks so I’ve decided to go ahead and tackle it.

It’s the subject of weight. Specifically, overweight. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am, well, plump. There. Now you know. That being said, I have some endocrine problems chasing my number up the scale.

Last month I started using a medication that is supposed to bring that number down. Twice a day I have been injecting myself with Byetta so that I can be at a healthier weight. It’s pretty radical and I wouldn’t do it unless my metabolism wasn’t so slow. So believe me, I understand weight and have empathy for those who have that struggle.

It is heartbreaking to me when a married or partnered client comes, usually alone, to tell me that the real, secret reason they are no longer sexually attracted to their partner is because of weight gain. Usually, it isn’t just a matter of 10 or 20 lbs; most people seem to understand that as we age, weight may go up a bit.

No, what they complain about is a gain of 50 lbs. or more. They will show me the “pot” that their partner now has, modeling with their hands. And they all say the same thing: I love my partner, but they just got too darn fat. (more…)

It is once again the time of year students wait for their acceptance letters from colleges. The question some incoming college students ask themselves is if they should reveal anything from completing drug rehabilitation to being diagnosed with a mental disorder. Although this information is confidential more and more colleges are accepting applications based on more than just SAT scores and overall academic performance. According to US News, college admission departments select based on an individuals performance as a member of society since college life would not only represent a smaller version of the real-world, but because in the past few years there has been a boom in the scrutiny of overlooked student files of those that have caused massive use of on-campus security. Professionals say that the decision of if and when to reveal past psychological history is a collaborative effort that involves those in close relationship to the incoming student since that could make or brake a students acceptance.

People make up all kinds of excuses not to have sex. And, contrary to popular belief, men make excuses about as often as do women. Being tired, having a headache, feeling stressed, or bored are common excuses, aren’t they?

Why not try something different? Why not look for excuses to have sex—reasons that it’s a good idea to hop into bed with a partner you love?

Just in case you’ve forgotten, here are the top ten reasons to have sex tonight:

1. Sex feels good. Yes, you’ve had a rotten week. What better reason to do something that feels great? Touch is relaxing, and orgasm is a welcome relief from muscle tension and mental strain.

2. Sex makes your partner feel good. You know what they say, charity begins at home! But don’t just have pity sex. You’re partner’s probably had a rotten week, too. Why not give your partner a gift that you can both enjoy?

3. You’ll feel more desire. If your sexual desire has fizzled out, try having sex. Sex is a rewarding activity and your brain may wake up and start to want more. The more you avoid sex, the less you may want it. Go for it tonight and see what happens.

4. Sex takes the years off. It’s true. Research shows that couples that are sexually active look ten years younger on average than their nonsexual peers.

5. Sex is good for your health. Sex can help pump up the heart rate, so while it is not exactly a cardiovascular workout, it does oxygenate the body. Bringing oxygen to your body’s cells helps them to function properly.

6. Sex is a pain reliever. Many women report that sex helps to relieve menstrual tension. Also, sex has been shown to relieve migraine and arthritis pain in some women. Natural endorphins and opioids, both natural pain relievers in the brain, can help what ails you.

7. Sex helps you feel connected. Most couples report that one of the reasons they have sex is to feel closer. If you want to maintain real intimacy in your relationship, have sex.

8. Sex is fun. Hey, what better form of entertainment is there than lying in bed with someone and touching them all over? Life is tough. Sex is one of life’s pleasures. Enjoy some tonight.

9. Sex helps you sleep. After orgasm, prolactin helps to relax and calm most people. So if you haven’t been sleeping well, try sex. Think how much better you’ll feel in the morning.

10. Sex makes you feel loved. Everyone has the need to be touched, kissed, and nurtured. Sure, a box of cookies might make you feel better. But why not get the real thing from another human being who cares about you?

Now that you know all the good reasons to have sex tonight, show this article to your partner as an invitation to a “benefits event.” You’ll both feel better in the morning!

Is therapy worth the cost? Twenty sessions of therapy will cost $3 to $4K; divorce, $10K, $20K, or more. The difference is that divorce will solve your problem–if what you want is to end your marriage. If not, then therapy is worth trying. Make a commitment to be in weekly therapy for 3-6 months and monitor progress. If no progress is made or your relationship is deteriorating, then you may still choose to end your marriage.

While many people think that marital therapy has a poor outcome, the truth is that most couples wait too long to get help. When a problem, such as low desire, is not taken care of early on, hard feelings, guilt, and resentment build up. On average, couples wait seven years to get help–and seeking therapy may really be a case of “too little, too late.”

If you are trying to decide if therapy will help, there is only one way to find out. It isn’t necessarily by talking to the therapist–of course the therapist wants you to come in, that is how a therapist earns his or her living! No, the way to find out is to try it. Make a decision, set an appointment. Give the new therapy relationship a chance; come 3-4 weeks before you decide whether or not you like the therapist and can work with him or her.

It’s okay to let the therapist know that it is not a good fit, and it’s also okay to ask for referrals. Most likely, you will feel comfortable with most therapists, as we are trained to make people feel at home quickly. How do you know if you do have a good fit? When you leave the office, you may not always feel great, because therapy can be hard work. But therapy should give you hope and light the path of change. Overall, most people feel that the investment in therapy is worthwhile, and is worth trying in the face of the financial and emotional expense of marital separation.