What to do if you discover your partner is having an affair–emotional, virtual, or real?

If you demand the affair ends immediately, you run the risk of your partner actually wanting to intensify the affair. After all, the affair is highly rewarding–it is exciting, secret, passionate, and vital, at least to your partner. If you say little, then you run the risk that your partner will think the affair is acceptable behavior.

Many people avoid confronting the partner who is participating in an affair because they are afraid it will mean the end to the relationship or marriage. But in marriage, only 10% of those who participate in affairs actually divorce their spouses to marry their new partner. Knowing that will give you some comfort, and help you manage the discovery in a sane manner.

You need to let your partner know with certainty that you will not tolerate an affair in your marriage, if that is your agreement. You can, however, negotiate with your partner about when it will end, and what will and will not occur until that happens.

For example, you can tell your partner that he or she has one month to end the affair. You can make rules that calls are not to be made from home, and that no visits are to take place that steal away family time.

You can also require that once the affair has ended that he or she will accompany you to marital therapy. There, the two of you will decide together whether or not the marriage can or should be saved. During your time in therapy, request that the affair not be restarted. Ask your partner to put all his or her energy into the marriage for a period of three months, and then decide whether to continue the marriage and/or counseling.

Infidelity is sometimes about sex, sometimes not. It is nearly always a signal that there is true unhappiness in a marriage. But no matter how angry or betrayed you feel, try not to act out your rage. This is a time to transcend and act as an adult, so that you can request that your partner also meet you at an adult level.

That’s your goal–two adults, talking it out, with integrity.

Wondering if you need to spark things up in the bedroom to keep your mate from straying? It’s true; sometimes when mates get bored in the bedroom, they wander. But men and women break their vows for many non-sexual reasons. Here are five things you should pay attention to if you want to keep your partner close.

1. Are you listening? You might think so, but your partner may not. Notice how often you say, “I’m busy,” or “Can it wait until later?” You need to give your undivided attention to your partner on a frequent basis–even if it’s something you’ve heard before. The simple act of listening is a gift that builds intimacy. Don’t overlook its power in your relationship.

2. Do you touch? Almost everyone needs to be cuddled and stroked. If the only time you touch your partner is when you make love, you may be sending a message that you no longer care as much about your partner. You and your partner may literally feel like you are “losing touch.”

3. Do you put other people first? (Yes, that includes your mother!) If you really want your partner to feel unloved, make plans with everyone else first, and fit your partner in around your schedule.

4. Are you depressed? Someone who is depressed is not fun to be around. People who are depressed tend to go off by themselves–to isolate. You can end up making your partner feel lonely. There is treatment for depression–call a therapist or your physician today.

5. Are you overly critical? Being critical is different than nagging. Nagging happens when your partner doesn’t do things that you ask–and nagging could be deserved. When you are critical, you make negative comments about everything–taste in clothing, tv, music, or even friends, for example. Nobody wants to hang around someone who makes them feel bad. Stop criticizing and start complimenting.

When you do any or some of these five things, you are giving your partner reasons to satisfy their natural needs elsewhere. It would be great to think your partner is above cheating, but why test their vows?