Just read an article by Jane Glenn Haas, a regular columnist who writes about senior life for the Orange County Register.  Entitled, “Be Careful with That Sexting, Seniors,” Haas discusses sex over 50, 60, 70, and beyond.  I am appreciative for the interview, and for Haas doing such a good job of getting it right.

There are so many stereotypes when it comes to sex and the mature adult.  I always remember a man in his 30s telling me, “My wife and I need to hurry up and start having a lot of sex, because we’ll be done by the time we’re in our forties!”

You’ve gotta be kidding.

Just because you don’t move as quickly or forget your glasses are on top of your head occasionally doesn’t mean that you aren’t spry enough to have sex.  The body may not be as beautiful, but feelings of love and desire may grow even stronger with a couple that has been bonded for years.  And for couples experiencing romance in their later years, the sparks can still fly pretty high.

Enjoy the article, and let me know what you think!

Colleague Cory Silverberg has a list of terrific ideas on his About:Sexuality blog for DIY Valentine’s Day gifts, such as writing the story of how you met, or incorporating something sexy into a craft.  (Did you know, for example, that there are books on how to knit lingerie, or a blog called Sexy Knitters Club?)

In my newsletter this month (you are signed up, aren’t you?) I included a Valentine’s Day sex life check-up that included items like the following that you can discuss together:

1. What was the best part of our relationship last year?
2. How did you feel supported by me?
3. Did I do anything particularly loving over the past year that you’d like me to repeat this year?
4. What was the least helpful thing that I did?  What would you like me to do instead?
5. What does our relationship mean to you at this point in time?  (Companionship, co-parenting, a sexual partner, a major support in times of stress, etc.)
6. What are your thoughts about our sex life?  Is it fine as is, or could it be improved?
7. What do you see as challenges for our relationship over the coming year?
8. What would you like us to do differently this year?
9. What would you like to keep the same?
10. What can I do to make you feel loved and cherished?

After all, people check-up on their physical health, their financial health, even the health of their garden.  Why not do a check-up on your sex life?  Part of the joy of being in a long-term relationship or marriage is that you have a safe place and a safe partner with whom to explore your sexuality.  You change, your partner changes; why not take a moment to learn a bit more about yourself and each other?

May you have a sweet Valentine’s Day celebration!

Are you in a sexless marriage?  I’m a sex therapist in Orange County, CA and I assure you, you are not alone!  About 25% of all marriages are “sexless,” meaning that the couple has sex fewer than one to two dozen times a year.

Sometimes marriages naturally go through dry spells.  A partner might be sick, be pulled by care-giving demands, or absent due to military or other job obligations.   But when couples go for a year or longer without connecting in the bedroom, there’s a problem.

What causes a sexless marriage?  Many couples stop having sex during the last part of pregnancy and during the first months they have a newborn.  They struggle with finding time, but also with feeling sexy when there’s an infant in the house with all the demands of parenting.  Other couples struggle with sex from the beginning.  One partner may have been raised in a very strict religious home and can’t let enjoy sex, even though they’re married.

There can be serious issues that get in the way of a couple having regular sex.  If one member of the couple has been sexually abused or assaulted, then they may avoid sex because it triggers bad memories.  Other problems, like depression or substance abuse, can get in the way of sexual pleasure.

What can you do about a sexless marriage?  First, it’s important that you and your partner acknowledge there is a problem.  Try to talk it out together to figure out what the root cause is.  When you do try to restart your sex life, be realistic.  Though it may not seem romantic, you may need to schedule times for making love.

Many people are unaware that there is a type of professional called a sex therapist that is available to help couples that have a sexless marriage.  A sex therapist is a psychotherapist that specializes in sexual problems.  It is talk therapy.  If you do decide to see a sex therapist, check with your state’s licensing board online to ensure that they are licensed to help you.

Forgiveness is an act that is sometimes misunderstood.  In a marriage or long-term relationship, though, forgiveness is often required if it is to function.  The first act of forgiveness comes when you realize that your partner isn’t perfect.  It is inevitable that your partner is going to anger, disappoint, or test you.  At that moment, you have a few choices:  Keep punishing your partner with resentment, verbal or nonverbal; let go of a grudge, accept your partner as human and move on; or move on altogether, with or without forgiveness.

Sometimes couples disappoint each other in the bedroom and have trouble with forgiveness.  A man’s female partner can’t have an orgasm and he berates her for being unresponsive.  A woman’s male partner ejaculates too quickly and she becomes caustic and critical.  The couple may just have different expectations about their sex life, but be unable to discuss it; they may quietly suffer for years.  The angry partner may also become critical, sometimes, in other parts of the couple’s relationship; at other times, the couple may put a lot of energy into putting up a front to the world that their relationship is really much better than it is.

Can you forgive your partner for their sexual shortcomings, be a good friend, and support them toward change?  Can you let go of your resentment and become compassionate, realize that your partner may be hurting, too?  Sexual forgiveness takes maturity, too.  Your partner perhaps didn’t learn how to be a long-term sexual mate.  You can learn together.  If mistakes or missteps have been made, be patient and above all be forgiving.

I had an interesting discussion recently with a couple about the value of foreplay for men, since the husband didn’t seem to think it was necessary for him.  Most people think that foreplay is for women, to help them relax and get prepared for intercourse or orgasm.  But foreplay is for men, too.  Foreplay can also help a man relax, which can make orgasm more pleasurable.

But foreplay isn’t just about orgasms.  It is also a way to connect with your partner.  You can take turns giving one another pleasure.  You can choose to be passive and let your partner give to you, or to be active and please your partner.  Or, you can have mutual foreplay, both giving and receiving pleasure at the same time.  It’s more about sharing an intimate, fun experience than about preparation for intercourse.

If foreplay is imaginative, there may be no need for intercourse; orgasms may be experienced in other ways.  Foreplay can also allow you to explore one another’s bodies, to understand what is erotic for each of you.  It is a time to free yourself and be creative, to try out scenarios that turn you on.  You may find out that you enjoy some of the same things, or that you need to make adjustments so that your fantasy is fun for both of you.

Foreplay builds a sense of connection and intimacy.  When someone doesn’t want foreplay, for me as a therapist, I am always curious about whether they are able to be truly intimate with a partner, to let a partner get into what they are really about in the bedroom and to get into their partner’s thoughts and feelings.  Foreplay is one of life’s great free experiences, right there in the privacy of your own home.

A devoted husband can be truly puzzled when his wife either seems uninterested or tells him flat out that she has no sex drive.  He remembers a time when his wife made love freely, when her drive seemed to match his own.  Now he still feels attracted to her, but she turns him down more frequently than she agrees.

Women’s sexual desire is more complex than a man’s.  Especially for women in long term relationships, sexual desire is less driven by hormones, though they do play a role.  What seems to be more important is the quality of the relationship between a woman and her partner; her mood, energy, and stress level; her feelings about herself and her body; and her overall enjoyment of sexual activity.

Also, while men feel horny and then want sex, women in long terms relationships often need some loving before they feel horny.  If a man approaches his wife or partner with his motor on “idle” and gives her some time to warm up without pressure, letting her tune in to her own needs to see if a “no” might become a “yes.”

Another way to help a woman enjoy sex more is to take the time to find out what she enjoys.  If she can’t communicate it verbally, ask if she can show you by guiding your hand with her own.  Encourage her to explore her own body (more…)

When most people think of sex, they naturally think of intercourse.  Remember Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sex with that woman!”  Ahem, he most certainly did.   But even a “zipless” encounter can be quite passionate and can quite definitely be counted as a sexual act.  Just watch “The Young Victoria” to see that people have sex all the time without having intercourse.

It isn’t just men that feel sex is only about intercourse and resulting orgasm.  Women often say that it’s the only part of sex they enjoy.  Perhaps it’s because it’s the only part of sex that has an official stamp of approval as being sex.  After all, most people are taught that “Sex is for after you get married
because it can result in pregnancy.  Since pregnancy nearly always occurs as the result of intercourse, it only makes sense that sex means such an act has occurred.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with intercourse.  It’s just that it’s very limited.  It requires that both partners be aroused, that the genitals are in good working condition, that the participants have the strength and stamina to follow through with the act.  That is, I think, part of the reason that people think of “sex” as being for young people.

If sex included every act of pleasure, people–both individuals and couples–would be much better off.  Including self-, oral, and manual stimulation would take the pressure off of having intercourse.  It would decrease unwanted pregnancy and disease.  It would make it easier to imagine having sex as one ages, or sex if one is alone.  And if a woman had discomfort with intercourse or a man struggled with erectile dysfunction as the result of temporary illness or stress, then they could still be affectionate and comforting with one another.

If you are someone that balks at the idea of venturing beyond sex = intercourse, it might be interesting to think about why that is.  Is it due to stereotype?  Inhibitions about other types of sexual activities?  A belief that sex is only for procreation, so if one is going to have sex for recreation, it had better be a reasonable facsimile?  If going outside your sex = intercourse comfort zone is truly distasteful, well, so be it.  But it could be that you realize you are holding back from exploring all types of sex, starting with cuddling and kissing.  And then what would be the harm of exploring your sexual potential?

As a sex therapist, one of the most heartbreaking scenarios in my office must be when one person announces with their partner in the treatment room that they don’t love their partner any more.  But perhaps worse than saying the words “any more,” are saying the words, “I never loved you.”  I can’t imagine what kind of turmoil it puts both partners into at the moment the words are spoken, but I can tell you that for me all the air gets sucked out of the room.  Is this couple’s relationship going to make it?

Recently, an article in USA Today discussed people that walk down the aisle, even though they know with some certainty that the marriage could fail.  Why do they do it?

• They thought they could make their partner change.
• They just didn’t want to be single.
• There was an unplanned pregnancy.
• They felt pressured by family.
• They wanted financial security.
• They figured they could make it work.

Obviously, for the most part these aren’t great reasons to get married.  Even in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, if there is no love, then there probably shouldn’t be a marriage.

Sometimes a person struggling with the issue of whether or not to divorce a partner because they never felt chemistry nor a connection will decide that they will stay for the sake of the children.  If the person’s partner isn’t drinking, cheating, or being abusive, then that is probably the best decision.  Once the children have grown, they can choose to stay or go, but giving offspring the best possible chance for success can be a sacrifice worth making.

If there are no children involved, then statistically the marriage probably will not last.  While children put a great deal of strain on a marriage–so much responsibility, so little time–they are also paradoxically the “glue” that can hold a marriage together.  Unless someone is very religious, there is little incentive to stay in a loveless marriage.

A loveless marriage is different, though, from a sexless marriage, or a marriage in which sex has never really worked very well.  Love may never be there the way it is portrayed in the movies or novels, but if someone has a decent sex life with their partner (regular, satisfying sex), they may choose to stay in the marriage.  If there is caring and respect, as well as sex, the marriage may survive despite the lack of passion, however that might be described or imagined.

If, however, there are long term sexual issues, even if the relationship is good in other respects, it may not survive (more…)

Most couples have great difficulty talking about sex, and when they do manage it, they often bungle the conversation.   From a sex therapist, here are seven ways to make communicating about sex easier.

1. Identify what you want to talk about.  Do you want to talk about orgasms that fizzle, sexual boredom, or your partner’s lack of attention to after play?  Saying vague things, like “Sex with you is boring,” isn’t going to solve the problem.
2. Keep your communication style assertive.  Don’t put your partner on the defensive.  Focus on what you want, not on what your partner does or doesn’t do.
3. Help your partner help you.  Be specific about what you want your partner to do.  “Change things up” isn’t as clear as, “I would like to have a little more manual attention before we have intercourse.”
4. Speak in language your partner appreciates.  If your partner doesn’t like you to use coarse language, then don’t use it when you are giving feedback or asking for what you want.
5. Be sensitive to your partner.  If your partner is awkward or hesitant in bed, telling him or her that they are as exciting as a flounder won’t help.  Tell your partner something you like, then what you’d like them to do differently, then thank them again for doing what you enjoy.
6. Don’t bring up the past unless absolutely necessary.  That means both things that happened between the two of you, and things that happened between you and another partner.  Move on and focus on the present moment and what you’d like to see change in the immediate future.
7. Give feedback at an appropriate time.  Right after having sex isn’t it.  Choose a time when you are both likely to be relaxed and your partner will be receptive.  Let your partner know what you’d like to talk about ahead of time.

Have any tips you’d like to add?  Leave a comment and I’ll post those that I think are helpful.

Yet another sexual myth to explode:  It’s always the woman in the relationship that doesn’t want sex.

Not true.  Not by a long shot.  It may not happen as often, but it happens more often than most people think.  And women are just as affected when their partner doesn’t want sex as men are when their partners turn them down over and over again.

Women in sexless marriages complain of feeling unloved, rejected, and unattractive.  In part because of the myth that “men always want sex,” they sometimes feel even more desperate than their male counterparts.  They experience intense sadness–and frustration.

When it comes to sex, even if you’re not talking about it, you’re communicating something.  When a man withholds sex from his partner, more often than not, he’s expressing displeasure with some aspect of the relationship.  What that is differs from situation from situation.  But getting a man to open up and talk about it directly can be difficult.  Quite often, he himself has no idea why he’s upset.  All he knows is that he doesn’t much feel like having sex, and there the story ends, leaving his partner frustrated.

I do frequently advise that physical problems be ruled out.  Unless you’re trained in medicine, you really can’t tell just by looking or studying someone’s behavior what might be going on in someone’s body.  Low testosterone and other medical problems can interfere with desire.

Also (and here I must admit I gave a big sigh), it can be difficult to convince a man to come into therapy, if a woman thinks this might be helpful.  He may call it “hocus pocus,” accuse the therapist of “just wanting to make money off of us,” or feel too embarrassed to talk about his problems.  Both male and female therapists, if they are worth their salt, understand this and know how to talk to men about their concerns.

Even though this is a difficult situation, it can be important that a woman supports her partner with the understanding that this may be difficult for him, too.  Instead of making threats or saying things designed to hurt, work on the problem together to find a solution.