In case you missed it on the newstand, Coast Magazine wrote a profile on how I became a sex therapist and what, exactly, I do to help my patients. Many thanks to writer Jessica Peralta! Love to know your thoughts.

Over the last 24 hours I have been involved in a lively discussion on the AASECT listserv about when, why, and how to be truthful in a relationship. The discussion was prompted by a description of a college couple. The guy wanted out of the relationship, the gal wanted to know why. Did he “owe” her an explanation?

I ventured to say that he did not owe her an explanation beyond, “I just know this isn’t a relationship I want to be in right now,” if that was what he felt. Lots of other educators and therapists disagreed. They saw this as an opportunity for growth for both members of the couple.

But the truth of why a relationship is ending is sometimes very painful. It reminded me that it is best to give feedback to someone about things they can change. Telling a person that you don’t find their breasts sexy enough or that you don’t enjoy the taste of their saliva isn’t a very good piece of feedback when you are ending a relationship. (I have had people tell me these things in my office.)

Telling a person that you don’t like the way they handle credit cards is good feedback. It is concrete and usable. Telling a person that you want to end the relationship because you find you do not want to change your religion, and that seems to be a requirement of staying, is also fair feedback. The person can decide that requiring a change in religion isn’t necessary in order to keep the relationship. Or they can understand that it is in their own best interest to end the relationship because of their partner’s feelings.

I would love to learn what you think about ending a relationship. Is all truth good truth? Is it sometimes better to hold back? Is it okay to just be done with a relationship that doesn’t appeal to you? Or is it a requirement to come up with reasons? I’d love to read your comments.

Now that I’ve got your attention, take a look at this article in the OC Register about two women who thought it was ironic that Victoria’s Secret was advertising a bra that covered a woman’s nipples. They turned their observation into an expressive arts project. Clever!

Today’s Los Angeles Times published a roundup review of new books on sex and sexuality. The reviewer reports that there has been a “tsunami” of books about sex. She points out that this may be because 20% of married couples admit having no sex in their marriage at all.

Soon I’ll be making my own contribution to the “tsunami,” but with high quality information about many topics relating to sex and relationships. Don’t you want to learn the best from the best? Want to know when and how you can get these publications? Sign up for my ezine! I’m already planning bonus materials like audio downloads with purchase.

Here is what a coach named Nemko argues in U.S. News & World Reports:
“[P]eople are rejecting psychologists in favor of therapists and coaches who can provide practical solutions to the problems of living.”
And here is my friend Paul’s rejoinder:
“[Nemko] would like you to believe that those who are trained to understand the complexities of those problems are incapable of helping you to solve them. It’s like saying that if your gardener understands how and why the grass grows, she won’t know how to cut the lawn.”
So here are ten reasons to see a psychologist:
1. A psychologist is the top expert in the field of understanding human behavior, relationships and change.
2. A psychologist is licensed; a coach is not. If you have problems with a psychologist, you can report him or her to a licensing board. If you have problems with a coach, you don’t have any recourse.
3. A psychologist has studied a minimum of 5 years beyond the bachelor’s degree and has trained a minimum of 3 years in the field.
4. A psychologist is required to stay current in the field by taking continuing education units every time he or she renews a licensed.
5. A psychologist is bound by laws and ethics to do the best job possible to assist those who seek help.
6. A psychologist has had his or her work supervised closely by mentors.
7. A psychologist knows when to provide a short consultation vs. long term treatment.
8. A psychologist is trained in much, much more than is seen in a typical private practice. A psychologist studies human personality, neurobiology, physiology, development, and so forth. A coach is limited in his or her education.
9. A psychologist can work in many venues and is usually richer in knowledge for the experience. For example, I have worked at a Marine base, in a children’s cancer ward, at a university clinic, and in an inpatient setting with people with schizophrenia and drug addictions.
10. A psychologist is a scholar. Years are devoted to reading literature, learning to create studies, and writing the dissertation.

Psychology is not, as the article in the magazine suggests, an overrated career. Every psychologist I know loves his or her work. I wouldn’t trade my degree for the title of “coach” any day of the week.

Wow! I have a major profile in COAST Magazine’s February 08 issue. See “Bedroom Advice” on page 46. I’m so pleased with the article! Jessica Peralta first interviewed me for OC Squeeze, then moved to Coast Magazine. Very, very Orange County.

Don’t worry, though, I’m still humble. Just call and I’ll yak with you a little so we can figure out the right therapist for you and help you solve your most intimate concerns.

Here’s some fun events going on around the U.S. on Valentine’s Day. If time and money are no object, why not surprise your partner?

People have all kinds of ideas about touching or not touching others. Some people grow up in homes where there was a lot of physical affection, others very little or even none. Touch might have been okay when it was done at home, but not in public, or maybe it was the other way around—public hugs were okay, private hugs were thought of as inappropriate.

As yourself the following questions:
1. Am I comfortable giving touch to my partner? Why or why not?
2. Am I comfortable receiving touch from my partner? Why or why not?
3. What messages about touch did I receive from my parents or family?
4. What messages about touch did I receive from past relationships?
5. Am I aware of the human need for touch? If not, why not?
6. Have negative sexual experiences made it difficult for me to give or receive touch?
7. Did my parents touch me? Did they touch one another?

If you’re not sure where to start incorporating touch in your relationship, here are some affectionate touches to try that are easy for most people:
 Putting your arm around your partner
 Holding hands
 Putting a hand on your partner’s leg while you sit
 Rubbing your partner’s arm
 Stroking your partner’s hair
 Use a finger to caress your partner’s cheek
 Give an affectionate kiss to your partner’s cheek or neck
 Snuggling

Try to have a little bit of affection on a daily basis. Make a rule that affectionate touch does not necessarily lead to sex, and that both partners have to feel interest for that to occur.

Did you know that even if you hold a doctorate in psychology you are not a psychologist unless you have passed a licensing exam? Did you know that it is illegal to use the term “psychologist” without being licensed? Did you know that people are not allowed to conduct evaluations, make a diagnosis, or provide psychotherapy without a license?

Apparently, Dr. Phil doesn’t know this himself. “America’s Psychologist,” isn’t, in fact, a psychologist, as a colleague of mine wrote on his blog. Maybe that’s why he seems so over his head at times with his television guests.

I happened to see an episode of Dr. Phil that sickened me. It was about an out-of-control teenage son and his equally out-of-control mom. Dr. Phil actually had his wife come out of the audience and sit with the son to hold his hand while she told the mother that she never yelled at her sons. No psychologist would ever do such a thing! Then Dr. Phil told the mom that she was “psychotic” on national television. Meanwhile, Robin petted the boy’s hand and stared daggers at the mother. Makes for good TV, I suppose, but a terrible representation of what happens in therapy.

Please, if you are looking for a therapist verify that the person is licensed. You can go to the Board of Psychology website to check psychologists, and to the BBSE to check marriage & family therapists and social workers. Psychiatrists are, of course, medical doctors, but people are least likely to pass themselves off as medical doctors.

Jane Brody, New York Times health reporter, turned her attention to the subject of vulvodynia–a painful condition that can make intercourse and other activities all but impossible. The article explains how vulvodynia occurs and provides information about medical treatment, although treatment can vary somewhat from physician to physician. The important thing is to find a physician that is familiar with the disorder, like Dr. Michael Krychman whose office I will be working in 1-2 days a week beginning sometime in March. Dr. Krychman is currently head of the Dept. of Sexual Medicine and Cancer Survivorship at Hoag Hospital. I am looking forward to working with his patients.

My only gripe is that nothing is mentioned of the psychological dimensions of vulvodynia, which are complex. First, there is learning to cope with pain, which can help to diminish it. Second, there is the effect of vulvodynia on one’s body image and self concept, and one’s attitudes toward sex. Third, vulvodynia can have a definite negative effect on a couple’s relationship. A partner of a woman with vulvodynia may become very frustrated, even angry, if intercourse becomes impossible. That is why I treat women with vulvodynia in my practice–not because it is all in a woman’s head, but because there are specific psychological interventions that can help. Like all diseases and conditions, there is a mind/body component, and that’s where a certified sex therapist and psychologist can be very helpful.