Buehler Institute Blog » Sexual Addiction

What Is Sex Addiction and How Is It Treated?

Dr Stephanie Buehler — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 03:38:23 +0000

Sex addict. Those two words conjure up an image of a wild-eyed man hell-bent on getting his sexual needs met, cheating on his wife, and exploiting other women. Nothing can stop him in his search for the ultimate sex high. Like an alcoholic on a bender, the sex addict has no control over himself or his urges. His need for sex grows without limit. He can never be sated. He must have sex or his body will cry out with need.

Really? That’s not what I see. When a so-called sex addict comes into my practice, I usually have before me a man who:

Was exposed to pornography at a young age

Learned to cope with many adolescent challenges by looking at porn
Used porn to “self-medicate” stress, anxiety, and depression
Has difficulty sustaining an intimate connection with his partner
Doesn’t readily share what will turn him on
If not yet partnered, may have social anxiety or feel unlovable
Has a partner that doesn’t understand his sexual needs
May have been sexually abused and is now trying to figure out how sex is supposed to work
Is confused by his own secretive nature about sex
May use porn to satisfy a need for sexual arousal that his partner doesn’t understand

My preferred label, if one must used, is “problematic sexual behavior.” Usually, what makes the sexual behavior a problem is that it interferes with a person’s relationships or ability to function in other ways.

A man that pays a prostitute instead of talking to his partner about his real sexual needs is avoiding conflict or embarrassment. If the secret behavior is revealed, the focus is on the fact that he had sex with another woman, and not on other, perhaps deeper problems that may exist. A man that works at home and misses calls while looking on the computer may be underachieving at work; why is that? A man that never dates despite his desire for companionship and hides behind his computer screen has another type of problem.

As a psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapisty approach to treating problematic sexual behavior is unique to each individual. I don’t sell a fancy program or follow a set course of therapy. I want to work with someone to understand what function pornography or other types of sexual behavior serve in their life. When do they look at porn? What is the trigger? What do they gain? Lose? If they weren’t looking at porn, what might they be doing instead that would make them feel better about themselves? How is affecting their relationship, if they are in one? If not in one, is using pornography holding them back? If so, how?

Who comes in for help with problematic sexual behaviors? All kinds of people, from high-powered executives to students, from newly weds to men in their 70s, from atheists to pastors. Often they come in alone, forced by their partner. For all of them, my goal is a better understanding of one’s sexual behaviors, one’s intimate needs, one’s relationships, and one’s choices when it comes to pursuing pleasure of all types. If possible, I want to meet with the partner so that they can be part of the process of learning about sexual health, as well as help them process any feelings of anger, hurt, or betrayal.

If you have given yourself the label of “sex addict,” I’d ask you to look behind those words and give yourself the opportunity to learn how to get more of what you really need to be happy, without hurting yourself or your partner in the process.

Sex Addiction, Part 2

Dr. Stephanie Buehler — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:52:34 +0000

by Michael Smith, MFT
Associate Therapist, The Buehler Institute
When people use porn compulsively, as an addictions specialist I often see traits that are similar to other types of addiction. The most common of these are:
a) Building of tolerance – the user needs to spend more and more time viewing porn (or participating in other behavior) to get the same stimulation or excitement. Similarly, the person may need to view more extreme visuals or need an ever-expanding constant supply of new material to “get off.”
b) Feelings of withdrawal: the anxiety that comes with trying to abstain from porn use. Often clients complain of nervousness and discomfort when they attempt to keep their promise to themselves to spend less time online with sexual content. The necessity for daily computer usage for many of us makes it especially difficult to go “cold turkey” when trying to make behavioral changes.
c) Impairment: How has your porn use affected your life? In addition to the above examples of feeling ashamed and lowered self-esteem, addictive porn use can also cause serious sexual and relationship problems, financial trouble (both in spending on porn and in lost time/wages/jobs) and health issues due to lost sleep and the stress and anxiety of living with, or of being in denial of, your addictive behavior.
When you put these symptoms together, it can sure look a lot like addiction to drugs/alcohol, gambling, eating and others. The good news is that these behaviors, these feelings, can be changed. When clients tell me that they can’t stop, that they’ve tried hundreds of times, I assure them that they can stop, they just haven’t been taught how. This is the first ingredient for change – the belief and knowledge that we can change – and I’ve seen hundreds of people do this, often to their own amazement. Once we work on getting rid of the shame, understanding that there are parts of your brain working against you to cause this unwanted behavior, and that changes, sometimes simple ones, can be made in our daily lives to keep us from repeating the patterns we’ve developed, then we can get on with living the life that we’ve imagined for ourselves.

Sex Addiction, Part 1

Dr. Stephanie Buehler — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:15:44 +0000

by Michael Smith, MFT, Associate Psychotherapist, The Buehler Institute

For some people, pornography is viewed as a healthy addition to an individual’s or couple’s sexual menu – it can help them feel sexual and provide an important release when they’re alone, or can help educate and stimulate a couple as they explore and experience sexuality with each other. However, as with anything that excites our brain chemicals, use of porn can become excessive and problematic.

If you’re concerned about your use of pornography, perhaps it’s time to examine why you look at it, and what affect it is having on your life. There is much controversy in the psychological community about the use of the words “sex” and “addiction” together, but as an experienced sex therapist and addiction counselor, I have helped many clients whose use of pornography, talking in sex chat rooms, or even using prostitutes or other sexual activities, can looks very similar to other clients who have developed problems with alcohol and drugs.

Often men or women come into my office to discuss a specific sexual or relationship problem and our talk leads to a discussion of their habits related to pornography. For this reason I frequently start talking to clients regarding their feelings about their use of porn. Whether my clients have spent ten minutes or ten hours viewing porn in one session, masturbating one time or many, how do they feel about the experience? Was it enjoyable and satisfying, or do they feel badly about the activity?

Frequently, compulsive users of porn feel that they’ve spent more time than they had intended, saw and/or said things that they are not proud of, and ultimately do not feel that it was a healthy experience, worthy of their time and energy. Like the substance abuser, individual often feel deep remorse after their porn-viewing binges.

More to come in Part 2.